Suicide Ideation

I ask please that no one hate. I said I'd be brutally honest in my postings and it's to help others understand things they might not.

Out of the blue I found myself thinking about suicide the other day.

It's not unusual for me to do, think about suicide, when I'm massively depressed (I take medication to avoid getting to that point) but I didn't expect it to pop up like it did … made me realize that I'm more depressed and anxious than I thought I was.

The past 5 years of my life have been absolutely horrendous, beyond, to the point that it could be a novel I kid you not…

I thought that I was on track for things to get better but they're not yet. I know they will but I don't know that I have the time (funds) to last until they do get better.

I run a few construction-related websites and I've got great plans for them but it all takes time and that time is running out.

During those 5 years I 'idealized suicide' many times, hundreds, thousands of times - again I kid you not.

The thing is I wouldn't ever do it because the biggest draw to me in this universe are my two 'kids' (young adults now) - the only reason I would consider crossing that line would be if they would benefit enough from it.

When idealizing suicide I imagine how much better their lives would be without me around to make them worse.

Their lives were so miserable because of the horrendous divorce that was going on smack-dab in the middle of their lives.

We're all struggling financially and during that 5-year time frame more than once I thought about my life insurance and suicide so that my kids could have that life insurance money (it's a decent size policy).

They could heal their relationships with their father and they'd all be happy and I'd be out of the way.

But while fighting with my STBX (soon-to-be-ex [and their father]) to keep our son's policy in place I lost track of my own (which was always paid at the last possible moment, just like most bills these days) and it lapsed.

I have too many health issues and will never be issued life insurance again.

So that option of my kids getting my life insurance is gone which means I can, I hope, do them more good by being here than by being gone.

Many people say that committing suicide is a selfish act.

What those many people don't realize is that sometimes a person commits suicide with the mistaken belief that it will better someone else's life - and yes even people who they are related to (typically spouses and children).

That is far from a selfish act.

The person is so far into her depression that she can't accept, absolutely cannot believe, that she's worth anything including being mourned, and so in her highly worsened depression which is due to her desperate state which is typically due to her perceived failure of the other party/ies (and everyone else in her life) she comes to the conclusion that everyone would be better off if she wasn't part of the world.

Anyone can say "oh that's just an excuse; it's selfish" but anyone who does I would venture to guess has never experienced that depth of depression, not ever. If they had then they'd completely understand just like anyone who is reading this that has 'been there'.

I get to that point (a bit more often than I care to) but I'm not there right now. Which is why it surprised me that the thought came into my mind the other day.

Usually those suicidal thoughts don't occur until I've been crying for a couple days. It wasn't until I was writing this, at this particular moment while typing this line, that I realized that I am at that level or very close to it (not committing suicide but starting to imagine how much better their lives would be without me).

I am struggling massively and have been crying on and off out of fear: looking at losing my Internet within the next week or so which means losing my business, looking at losing the phone within the next week or so which means my son losing his part time job at the local sandwich chain, losing our apartment due to lack of rent money, my car on its last legs that I'll no longer be able to drive because I can't afford the insurance (and then the tag renewal is coming up, a second reason I can't drive it) and more - there's just too much to list.

So I guess that I have been more depressed than I realized … in all honesty that's why I haven't posted in a while so I guess all the signs were there, I just wasn't putting them all together until I was to that point.

You'd be amazed at what insight I have about the human psyche especially when realizing how messed up my own psychological health is ;o) but when clarity is ruling my life - which thankfully is more often than not - I am desperate to share what I know and what I feel because it always seems to help someone.

I was able to explain to a mother (actually grandmother raising her grandson) why her grandson, who is on the Autism Spectrum, wouldn't drive anymore even though he has his license.

I explained to her that there is so very much to keep track of - stoplights, when you can turn left and when you can't, stop signs and who goes first, people in the crosswalk, animals darting out, rain on the windshield, wipers moving back and forth on the windshield, anticipating other drivers' moves, motorcycles zooming by, huge buses driving by, horns honking, etc., on and on.

It's too much to handle for some of us and when she told her grandson what I said he was amazed that I was able to explain to his grandmother what he was dealing with better than he was able to explain it.

When I get down in the Seattle area I immediately go into a panic. I know exactly what these kids that can't drive or are afraid to drive are dealing with.

My kids know that they need to stop talking once we're in that kind of environment (unless they're helping me) because I cannot handle all the obstacles *and* hear them talk.

I have panic attacks in that kind of traffic, terrified I'm going to crash or run over someone… I won't say it hasn't been close a couple times!

Plus I have never not once not gotten lost when driving in Seattle, literally I have been lost every single time I've driven there.

I've been to the airport down there (SEA-TAC) many times and yet every.single.time. when I leave the airport I get lost and end up somewhere down in Seattle. I still get lost leaving there.

Once we found ourselves right next to the Mariner's Stadium I think it was.

I've found myself down at the docks more times than I care to admit - and the freaking dead-end streets that are more like muddy dead-end alleys (but you have no idea until you're already committed) with minimal space to turn around are even worse than the one-way streets - and I hate those (might I say 'stupid') one-way streets.

I drove in San Francisco once with 3 drunk people in my car and me having absolutely no idea where I was or where I was going (the drunk people did but … they were drunk) and the one-way streets OMG!!

There's no parking anywhere (not in Frisco or Seattle but I'm back to talking about Seattle) unless you pay and when you're driving along the street looking for the place that you're trying to find amidst all the other small shops in there you also have to keep an eye out for a parking lot nearby *and* during all that time not hit cars parked in the furthest right lane or run over anyone that's crossing the streets, at the corners and in the middle - it's absolute chaos!

One time I was so lost that I had to get off the freeway and then call my daughter and describe to her where I was (I couldn't remember the street name I exited on) so that she could look it up online and give me directions on how to get back on the correct freeway headed in the right direction!

I was so upset one time that I told my daughter I'd never drive down there again (she lives in a Seattle suburb) - because I'd gotten so so lost, I was so very upset.

I apologized of course and she understood; she 'gets' my panic attacks.

But in all fairness I said it after I finally got home in the rain in the dark driving through the forest on highway 20 with plenty of lunatics and my night blindness and headlights glinting off the windshield *and* the rear-view mirror *and* the side-view mirrors (and did I mention the rain drops on the windshield making everything 50 times worse?).

I have *never* been more of a mess after a drive than I was that night. And I couldn't turn it over to Cameron because he doesn't drive so I had no choice but to make it home.

Sometimes I still wonder how I did (make it home).

So anyhow, I don't really know why I'm posting this other than to give others who might not experience the suicidal type depression a look into what it's like - and to let those of you who regularly read my blog know where I've been and no doubt where I'll end up again and again.

Right now I have to figure out how to survive through the first of the year. Sadly Cameron's birthday is 12/13 and I've not got any idea what I'm going to do for him.

Well, I started with one subject, morphed to another subject, and then to yet another subject.

Sorry for my rambling but that is after all the name of the blog! ;o)

I'm also a self-mutilator but I'll write about that another time; insight and whatnot.

Diane