WHEN am I going to feel better? So freaking depressed, fighting tears, trying to appear better than I am.
Started a new medication (Risperdal), and was taken off of the Klonopin (anti-anxiety, yet also evil, med) that I've been on for more years than I can remember.
My anxiety is through the roof, my suicidal ideation is running rampant, and it was all I could do to keep it together emotionally today. I have to for my son's sake but it's so hard to deal with it silently.
I don't do a good job of it and he's been worried about me, more than he's been letting on.
I know that our income is not enough to keep us from going homeless. I need to figure out how to increase my own.
I've not kept him, or others, in the dark about it. I've been saying for awhile now that we're on the verge of homelessness.
But everyone responds with "You're not going to be homeless".
I ran the numbers. My business is not doing well enough to carry itself, or me, let alone make up for the expenses that are above my son's income.
I don't know if it's due to a brain injury from a fall or damage caused by the Klonopin but whatever it is, I haven't been able to figure out Quickbooks since 2015 (coincidentally the year I fell and hit my head on driftwood) so I haven't been able to do the finances.
I also haven't been able to work Quicken. This is after having used these software items for 15+ years. It's like the knowledge of how to use it, plus the ability to learn how to use it, has been sucked from my brain.
Partnerships have gone by the wayside. My sales are pretty much nil because I've been directing my visitors to said partners.
Now I have to try to figure out how to be creative in my brain to put my websites back together to bring in sales of forms as well as be able to track those sales/income.
Plus figure out how to rebuild my financial picture by trying to learn Quickbooks and Quicken.
And I have to figure out how to increase the income within the next couple weeks if we have any hope of being here through December.
Shit... I've worked so hard at helping my son to leave his world of Autism and he's actually out there working a full-time job that he got on his own no less, and now here I am screwing it up with my business, and mental health, falling apart. Shit.
And my daughter.
Oh she's been through so much and I continue to pile more on her with my own woes. She's the last person that should have to deal with me and my issues,
I wasn't "there" for her like I should have been, on more than one occasion, and yet here she is doing everything she can to help me even while not great things are going on in her own world.
She's such a wonderful, giving person.
I love them both so much and I am trying very hard to pull things together financially and emotionally, and to not hurt them any more with my own emotional pain.
I wish this medication were a magic pill of sorts. I need enough time to clear out the old med, get the new med working, get the income fixed, get the financial picture fixed, and still hold it together emotionally so as to not distress either of them any further than I have already.
How do I be homeless? The therapist says "what about 'How do I NOT be homeless?'". But if we're going to be homeless I need to know, how?
People think that shelters are plentiful and that they're safe places (both thoughts are inaccurate), or they choose to not think about it at all.
But what do I do? How...
We don't have a car, we don't have a tent, we don't have anything.
We don't even have warm clothes due to a very misguided decision that I made in 2017.
I am so scared of what's happening, and even more scared of what I'm causing for my son.
Saturday, November 17, 2018
Sunday, November 4, 2018
Anxiety and mental paralysis...
I am mentally paralyzed today, have been this entire weekend.
I thought I would be relaxed because I have mental health help coming tomorrow morning but I am so beyond anxious.
I can't figure out why other than I don't know what to expect and I'm scared that in the end they won't be able to help me.
I'm scared of everything right now. I'm afraid to take my medicine for fear of running out and not having any more. Afraid to buy groceries for fear of not having money to buy groceries in the future.
Afraid to do anything for fear of doing the wrong thing, making the wrong decision, paralyzed to the point of inaction...
I thought I would be relaxed because I have mental health help coming tomorrow morning but I am so beyond anxious.
I can't figure out why other than I don't know what to expect and I'm scared that in the end they won't be able to help me.
I'm scared of everything right now. I'm afraid to take my medicine for fear of running out and not having any more. Afraid to buy groceries for fear of not having money to buy groceries in the future.
Afraid to do anything for fear of doing the wrong thing, making the wrong decision, paralyzed to the point of inaction...
Saturday, November 3, 2018
I moved to Puerto Vallarta forever - but I came back in less than 3 months...
For many reasons that I'll explore through various postings, I moved my son (23, has Autism, fully dependent) and I down to Puerto Vallarta in October 2017. I thought I was doing a good thing but I wasn't "all there in the head/brain".
My daughter stayed in Tacoma and I had grand plans that we would see each other every 3 to 4 months. I thought we'd actually see each other more often than we were when we were living many hours away, simply because the cost of living was supposed to be so much better that I'd be able to afford to fly her down, and I'd be able to afford to fly up.
My heart still breaks every single day because I left her.
Even though we're within 2 hours of each other now my heart is still so full of grief for having left her - it's one of those decisions that will haunt me for life.
Living in Puerto Vallarta was supposed to be so affordable, I had myself so convinced that things would be so much better there for all of our needs.
I got rid of e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. - consolidated our lives down to 5 suitcases, two backpacks, a carry-on, and our BabyK and her kitty carrier.
I sold my car, in hindsight at such a ridiculously low price I am still kicking myself today (but for so many things, not just that), I digitized photos and took pictures of gifts my kids had made for me over the years, scanned their baby books, just literally got rid of everything in one way or another.
Even my son got rid of his stuff, so so much of his stuff including his computer, many of his magic cards, clothing, everything.
I was just finishing out a 7-year long, brutal divorce and I know now that I was running (one of those "in hindsight bad reasons" mentioned above).
When I say brutal I can't describe/define/detail/call it what it you but I cannot impart the brutality of those years on my brain and body. I'm still suffering today, still on a downward spiral that I didn't know I was on at the time.
There's this saying, I don't know exactly what it is, about not making major life decisions for a certain amount of time.
Well, that's one of the stupidest things through all of this that I did. But I didn't realize it. And how we're paying for it.
I moved us - not just moved us but moved us to another country after getting rid of everything we owned - and the court case wasn't even yet finalized.
I sat in a bedroom closet of a small room on the side of an extremely busy roadway in Puerto Vallarta, on my cell phone, speaking with the judge in the courthouse in Coupeville WA for our final hearing.
Within 20 days of that phone call we were back in the states.
We'd been ripped by a Canadian realtor in Mexico, with no idea of what to do, and there was just barely enough money to get our plane tickets changed and get back to the states.
We are now paying for that horrible decision of mine. We're paying with the constant looming fear of homelessness and my emotional health is horrendous right now, shredded.
I had grand plans; I was going to make both of our lives better.
I was going to continue to run my business from down there and he was going to do his own business of "serving" expats - grocery shopping and whatnot.
Since he can't drive it was perfect because he could Uber. The Uber rides down there are approximately $2 to $3 so it was an affordable venture.
But it was more involved than I realized it would be.
I was struggling to keep my own business going, the internet is horrendous, and there wasn't any way for us to figure out how to get him set up.
Neither of us speaks Spanish, which I stupidly thought wouldn't be a problem, and it was all just so completely unfair to him.
One reason I was running in fear was because I thought that his social security was going to be "chopped" due to what was being said by the various administrations. We all have mid-to-high functioning Autism, and his had qualified him for SSI and Medicaid - but I feared it being taken away.
I thought we could afford both of our medical down there, which who knows maybe we probably could have if we'd been able to pull off living down there.
One problem was that if you're not a legal Mexican, you can't work, you can't get a job. Since my son couldn't do his own business he wasn't able to earn an income of any sort.
The hoops that the companies are made to jump through to prove why they can't hire a Mexican national to do a job rather than an American (or other nationality), and then the hoops that the individual has to jump through (such as traveling back and forth to their "homeland") if they're lucky enough to find a company willing to go through the hoops was just too much.
With my own emotional and brain issues now clear, it was totally too difficult for me to do, let alone my son.
We ended up in California and for both of us, our mental health continued to decline. Our situation was nothing more than a temporary landing spot, which unfortunately became more temporary than what was originally arranged, and we're now in Washington.
Life is beyond tough right now. We are struggling to make it both emotionally and financially and I'm not yet convinced that we will make it.
I've been so messed up emotionally that I've hurt my business - lost/chased away my main partners - and that lost income is also contributing to my fear of homelessness.
I have to figure out how to get better emotionally and make this work out.
I have to figure out how to focus on what to do to make it better, and try to quit focusing on how badly I screwed up, but I'm so full of doubt it's like there's no room for hope.
My daughter stayed in Tacoma and I had grand plans that we would see each other every 3 to 4 months. I thought we'd actually see each other more often than we were when we were living many hours away, simply because the cost of living was supposed to be so much better that I'd be able to afford to fly her down, and I'd be able to afford to fly up.
My heart still breaks every single day because I left her.
Even though we're within 2 hours of each other now my heart is still so full of grief for having left her - it's one of those decisions that will haunt me for life.
Living in Puerto Vallarta was supposed to be so affordable, I had myself so convinced that things would be so much better there for all of our needs.
I got rid of e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. - consolidated our lives down to 5 suitcases, two backpacks, a carry-on, and our BabyK and her kitty carrier.
I sold my car, in hindsight at such a ridiculously low price I am still kicking myself today (but for so many things, not just that), I digitized photos and took pictures of gifts my kids had made for me over the years, scanned their baby books, just literally got rid of everything in one way or another.
Even my son got rid of his stuff, so so much of his stuff including his computer, many of his magic cards, clothing, everything.
I was just finishing out a 7-year long, brutal divorce and I know now that I was running (one of those "in hindsight bad reasons" mentioned above).
When I say brutal I can't describe/define/detail/call it what it you but I cannot impart the brutality of those years on my brain and body. I'm still suffering today, still on a downward spiral that I didn't know I was on at the time.
There's this saying, I don't know exactly what it is, about not making major life decisions for a certain amount of time.
Well, that's one of the stupidest things through all of this that I did. But I didn't realize it. And how we're paying for it.
I moved us - not just moved us but moved us to another country after getting rid of everything we owned - and the court case wasn't even yet finalized.
I sat in a bedroom closet of a small room on the side of an extremely busy roadway in Puerto Vallarta, on my cell phone, speaking with the judge in the courthouse in Coupeville WA for our final hearing.
Within 20 days of that phone call we were back in the states.
We'd been ripped by a Canadian realtor in Mexico, with no idea of what to do, and there was just barely enough money to get our plane tickets changed and get back to the states.
We are now paying for that horrible decision of mine. We're paying with the constant looming fear of homelessness and my emotional health is horrendous right now, shredded.
I had grand plans; I was going to make both of our lives better.
I was going to continue to run my business from down there and he was going to do his own business of "serving" expats - grocery shopping and whatnot.
Since he can't drive it was perfect because he could Uber. The Uber rides down there are approximately $2 to $3 so it was an affordable venture.
But it was more involved than I realized it would be.
I was struggling to keep my own business going, the internet is horrendous, and there wasn't any way for us to figure out how to get him set up.
Neither of us speaks Spanish, which I stupidly thought wouldn't be a problem, and it was all just so completely unfair to him.
One reason I was running in fear was because I thought that his social security was going to be "chopped" due to what was being said by the various administrations. We all have mid-to-high functioning Autism, and his had qualified him for SSI and Medicaid - but I feared it being taken away.
I thought we could afford both of our medical down there, which who knows maybe we probably could have if we'd been able to pull off living down there.
One problem was that if you're not a legal Mexican, you can't work, you can't get a job. Since my son couldn't do his own business he wasn't able to earn an income of any sort.
The hoops that the companies are made to jump through to prove why they can't hire a Mexican national to do a job rather than an American (or other nationality), and then the hoops that the individual has to jump through (such as traveling back and forth to their "homeland") if they're lucky enough to find a company willing to go through the hoops was just too much.
With my own emotional and brain issues now clear, it was totally too difficult for me to do, let alone my son.
We ended up in California and for both of us, our mental health continued to decline. Our situation was nothing more than a temporary landing spot, which unfortunately became more temporary than what was originally arranged, and we're now in Washington.
Life is beyond tough right now. We are struggling to make it both emotionally and financially and I'm not yet convinced that we will make it.
I've been so messed up emotionally that I've hurt my business - lost/chased away my main partners - and that lost income is also contributing to my fear of homelessness.
I have to figure out how to get better emotionally and make this work out.
I have to figure out how to focus on what to do to make it better, and try to quit focusing on how badly I screwed up, but I'm so full of doubt it's like there's no room for hope.
Monday, July 25, 2016
Inadequacy at its worst
Here I am once again finally back after being gone for so long.
I read a brief statement the other day, a blogger writing about the fact that he doesn't often care to write until he's in front of his computer (in private) so that he can express any emotion he's feeling while he's writing - including crying.
It gave me an idea which is to go ahead and blog even when I'm at the bottom, which I am right now - or at least extremely close to it.
Feelings of inadequacy are insidious in how they work their way into one's subconscious and then into her conscious thoughts - and for some of us those feelings are impossible to ignore.
I have had an arrangement with a company forever, and I really enjoy some of the people there, but I am becoming increasingly frustrated with them over certain issues. With that frustration are those feelings of inadequacy - lately I feel like I can't do anything right for them.
I was heavy into the process of redoing my website due to having licensed a company to sell my forms. But then I started to realize that I was losing big time in the arrangement. Inadequacy caused me to not realize that in the first place.
I spoke with 'my' person there and I was a bit concerned that our arrangement would not continue. Inadequacy because each lost opportunity translates to me letting down my son and daughter.
Fortunately the people went back and re-figured it and the arrangement is much, much better than it was. So I should be happy, not depressed.
Why can I not get past these feelings.
My ex won't pay his court-ordered maintenance which keeps me chasing the immediate dollar rather than having time to focus more on long-term arrangements. This usually means a drop in income to begin with but which steadily increases as time goes on. Over a year after the divorce was finalized and still not a dime.
I can't focus as much on those business arrangements because I can't afford to have a lower income right now. Inadequacy.
I can't afford to buy my son what he'd like at the grocery store because my income isn't good. My son has Autism, is fully dependent on me, and he receives SSI and minimal food stamps - $39.
In addition I'm inadequate because I can't do the things that he needs done in order to help him advance in the world.
He always tells me "it's okay mom, it's not your fault" and I love him for that - but it is my fault. I should be able to provide for him no matter what. His father is not involved in his life. He left when our son was 17 and didn't look back (except to make sure I didn't know what was he up to).
I know for a fact that I'm inadequate as a mom for my daughter and that I have been ever since her brother slipped into Autism. She wasn't even 4 1/2 years old and I abandoned her emotional needs. It wasn't until many, many years later that it became clear that she's on the spectrum (she's higher on the spectrum than I am).
I have let her down her entire life, even to this day.
And now it's time to go be inadequate to my customers, readers, friends, family, etc. if I can stay awake. Had a big tooth yanked and they prescribed Percocet. I'm kind of lolling right now.
Diane
I read a brief statement the other day, a blogger writing about the fact that he doesn't often care to write until he's in front of his computer (in private) so that he can express any emotion he's feeling while he's writing - including crying.
It gave me an idea which is to go ahead and blog even when I'm at the bottom, which I am right now - or at least extremely close to it.
Feelings of inadequacy are insidious in how they work their way into one's subconscious and then into her conscious thoughts - and for some of us those feelings are impossible to ignore.
BTW - I am purposefully trying to use 'big' words because I bounced my left temple off of driftwood in June 2015 and my vocabulary is suffering because of it.Anyhow, inadequacy has such an incredible hold on me right now. I cannot stop crying, I cannot stop thinking about everything that I'm inadequate at. I know it's ridiculous because I know that I'm not inadequate however that doesn't matter for some reason - it's like reason does not rule at times like this.
Another thing is that I now use phrases that I've never uttered before (but am familiar with) simply because they're a bit, just a touch, more formal (IMHO) than I am. For instance the very first thing I said when I regained consciousness was "Oh my!".
I have never used that phrase in my life (written or spoken)!
I was out for a minute or less. I don't know for a fact because there weren't any witnesses but I am pretty sure based on the distance my walking partner had traveled.
He's a young-adult who happens to have Autism (we belong to a very small support group) and he was ahead of me and talking about his interest and had no idea I'd fallen until he turned and saw me starting to get back up.
I find that I am not using contractions near as much as I used to - but only in my writing not my speaking. Which is frustrating for two reasons ... my readers have often commented on how much they enjoy my writing and the second reason is because I love to write exactly as I talk, it just comes naturally (or at least used to).
Fortunately that seems to be improving instead of weakening like my vocabulary is but not as quickly as I would prefer. My goal is to get back to my original method of communication. It doesn't include the larger vocabulary but I love having that vocabulary because it allows me to participate in certain conversations.
I also have lost my ability to spell accurately, even simple words give me issues at times. I also edit other people's work to help them and now I struggle with theirs let alone mine. I end up with typos, extra words, missing words, wrong word use (their/they're/there), etc.
And because I have the perfectionist attitude in some of the things that I do (that all have to do with me) I can't not read and reread and reread again what I've written to make sure it's not missing anything or has any typos. I still miss things and so I continue to feel inadequate - a skill that I can no longer use to help the income keep 'coming in'.
I play Words with Friends to try to build my vocabulary back up. Not the best of methods but at least it's fun at the same time (when it's not crashing on my phone roughly once to twice per day - and when I'm not thinking about how much information the app is mining from my phone).
I have had an arrangement with a company forever, and I really enjoy some of the people there, but I am becoming increasingly frustrated with them over certain issues. With that frustration are those feelings of inadequacy - lately I feel like I can't do anything right for them.
I was heavy into the process of redoing my website due to having licensed a company to sell my forms. But then I started to realize that I was losing big time in the arrangement. Inadequacy caused me to not realize that in the first place.
I spoke with 'my' person there and I was a bit concerned that our arrangement would not continue. Inadequacy because each lost opportunity translates to me letting down my son and daughter.
Fortunately the people went back and re-figured it and the arrangement is much, much better than it was. So I should be happy, not depressed.
Why can I not get past these feelings.
My ex won't pay his court-ordered maintenance which keeps me chasing the immediate dollar rather than having time to focus more on long-term arrangements. This usually means a drop in income to begin with but which steadily increases as time goes on. Over a year after the divorce was finalized and still not a dime.
I can't focus as much on those business arrangements because I can't afford to have a lower income right now. Inadequacy.
I can't afford to buy my son what he'd like at the grocery store because my income isn't good. My son has Autism, is fully dependent on me, and he receives SSI and minimal food stamps - $39.
In addition I'm inadequate because I can't do the things that he needs done in order to help him advance in the world.
He always tells me "it's okay mom, it's not your fault" and I love him for that - but it is my fault. I should be able to provide for him no matter what. His father is not involved in his life. He left when our son was 17 and didn't look back (except to make sure I didn't know what was he up to).
I know for a fact that I'm inadequate as a mom for my daughter and that I have been ever since her brother slipped into Autism. She wasn't even 4 1/2 years old and I abandoned her emotional needs. It wasn't until many, many years later that it became clear that she's on the spectrum (she's higher on the spectrum than I am).
I have let her down her entire life, even to this day.
And now it's time to go be inadequate to my customers, readers, friends, family, etc. if I can stay awake. Had a big tooth yanked and they prescribed Percocet. I'm kind of lolling right now.
Diane
Sunday, February 28, 2016
People With Autism Make Some Of The Best Relationship Partners!
Hi All!
I'm sorry I've been gone for so long. Just super busy.
I really do want an iPad/tablet that I could take to bed with me to write posts - because I'm never inclined to take my computer back there. ;o)
I read something the other day that got me to thinking…
I believe that people with Autism can make some of the most perfect relationship partners.
They're extremely tolerant (if they were raised properly) and everyone, within their realm of sexualism (I can't think right now of a better way to say that), to them is a potential long-term relationship.
It doesn't matter if she's 'chunky' (as I am) or he wears glasses or she has teeth that really needed to be in braces or he doesn't shower regularly lol (clothes pin anyone?) - they're all potential partners.
That's not to say that they don't salivate about some, who doesn't(?), but they have no problem 'settling' with a person that someone who is 'neuro-typical' wouldn't even consider in their ballpark.
Put on a little weight, don't do your hair, stay in your jammies all day, read or watch tv all day, etc. it doesn't matter as the partner with Autism will not only still love the person but will very possibly join them in the same room for some parallel 'play' (and with much glee I might add).
But of course that means you'll be interrupted every 3 to 5 minutes with information about whatever it is he/she is working on. Often times a small price to pay just to get them out of their room and into the same room with you for awhile but still the interruptions can be a bit aggravating depending on what you're doing. ;o)
I realize that for many neuro-typical people it wouldn't be 'cool' for them to be with someone who doesn't notice when they've spent time dressing up as they need to be 'seen' by their partner, they need to see that they are appreciated and beautiful.
When the partner expresses no opinion in regard to how you appear it can be a real drag - but when you think about it it's typically a drag only when you've spent the time to 'dress up' (along with make-up if appropriate, nice clothes, styled hair, etc.).
On those days when your hair is crazy wild & you didn't shower when you got up - he's not going to really notice that (or it won't register for long in his mind); you lounge and read or watch tv all day (or whatever lazy 'sport' you do); you totally don't feel like cooking dinner so you don't (and you also don't order take out - you just plain don't put dinner out); etc. he's not going to have even one negative thought about how you look, how you're lazing, how you're not doing dinner, etc.
It doesn't matter what religion you are (or aren't), and again as long as the person was raised properly, your beliefs are accepted unconditionally.
My childrens' grandparents are of American Indian descent and taught the kids about the various 'Gods'.
There are a LOT of cultures that have different 'Gods'.
And then some don't believe in anything that they can't see or touch so they don't believe that there actually is a 'God'.
And then there's the UFO's… ;o)
The person with Autism doesn't mind at all what your beliefs are.
So if you're adamant about keeping your religion you'll know that you won't have to worry about arguments over it (unless you insist that s/he go with you if they don't want to). ;o)
How about those who would like a few days away from their spouse - regularly?
In my experience it's perfect, for anyone who wants those days alone (regularly), to be with someone with Autism.
You're going to get the alone time from your partner anyway whether you want it or not and since you know that's going to happen why not be guaranteed that you'll get that time that you need - and believe me it will be a regular occurence.
The person with Autism absolutely has to have the alone time - so you're going to have it whether or not you want it.
So again, why not be guaranteed that you'll get that alone time that you're already aware that you're going to want in a relationship?
All of us with Autism - all we want to do is please. That makes us perfect partners for a certain group within the population!
There are other things but I'm whooped and still have hours of work ahead of me.
If this doesn't make sense I blame the above. ;o)
zzzzz… Diane
P.S. Please remember that I am on the spectrum as are my children (young adults now) and I have no intent to offend in any way.
I'm sorry I've been gone for so long. Just super busy.
I really do want an iPad/tablet that I could take to bed with me to write posts - because I'm never inclined to take my computer back there. ;o)
I read something the other day that got me to thinking…
I believe that people with Autism can make some of the most perfect relationship partners.
They're extremely tolerant (if they were raised properly) and everyone, within their realm of sexualism (I can't think right now of a better way to say that), to them is a potential long-term relationship.
It doesn't matter if she's 'chunky' (as I am) or he wears glasses or she has teeth that really needed to be in braces or he doesn't shower regularly lol (clothes pin anyone?) - they're all potential partners.
That's not to say that they don't salivate about some, who doesn't(?), but they have no problem 'settling' with a person that someone who is 'neuro-typical' wouldn't even consider in their ballpark.
Put on a little weight, don't do your hair, stay in your jammies all day, read or watch tv all day, etc. it doesn't matter as the partner with Autism will not only still love the person but will very possibly join them in the same room for some parallel 'play' (and with much glee I might add).
But of course that means you'll be interrupted every 3 to 5 minutes with information about whatever it is he/she is working on. Often times a small price to pay just to get them out of their room and into the same room with you for awhile but still the interruptions can be a bit aggravating depending on what you're doing. ;o)
I realize that for many neuro-typical people it wouldn't be 'cool' for them to be with someone who doesn't notice when they've spent time dressing up as they need to be 'seen' by their partner, they need to see that they are appreciated and beautiful.
When the partner expresses no opinion in regard to how you appear it can be a real drag - but when you think about it it's typically a drag only when you've spent the time to 'dress up' (along with make-up if appropriate, nice clothes, styled hair, etc.).
On those days when your hair is crazy wild & you didn't shower when you got up - he's not going to really notice that (or it won't register for long in his mind); you lounge and read or watch tv all day (or whatever lazy 'sport' you do); you totally don't feel like cooking dinner so you don't (and you also don't order take out - you just plain don't put dinner out); etc. he's not going to have even one negative thought about how you look, how you're lazing, how you're not doing dinner, etc.
In fact he'll probably be happy because it'll mean that he doesn't have to clean the kitchen! (and as mentioned he'll probably be quite happy to join you in the same room)So really, getting upset when they don't notice that you're dressed up vs. when you *haven't* spent the time to get dressed up, is that really fair to get upset that he doesn't notice when truly the only time we get upset is when we've spent time to look nice - and yet not when we've most definitely not spent any time at all to look nice.
It doesn't matter what religion you are (or aren't), and again as long as the person was raised properly, your beliefs are accepted unconditionally.
My childrens' grandparents are of American Indian descent and taught the kids about the various 'Gods'.
There are a LOT of cultures that have different 'Gods'.
And then some don't believe in anything that they can't see or touch so they don't believe that there actually is a 'God'.
And then there's the UFO's… ;o)
The person with Autism doesn't mind at all what your beliefs are.
So if you're adamant about keeping your religion you'll know that you won't have to worry about arguments over it (unless you insist that s/he go with you if they don't want to). ;o)
How about those who would like a few days away from their spouse - regularly?
In my experience it's perfect, for anyone who wants those days alone (regularly), to be with someone with Autism.
You're going to get the alone time from your partner anyway whether you want it or not and since you know that's going to happen why not be guaranteed that you'll get that time that you need - and believe me it will be a regular occurence.
The person with Autism absolutely has to have the alone time - so you're going to have it whether or not you want it.
So again, why not be guaranteed that you'll get that alone time that you're already aware that you're going to want in a relationship?
All of us with Autism - all we want to do is please. That makes us perfect partners for a certain group within the population!
There are other things but I'm whooped and still have hours of work ahead of me.
If this doesn't make sense I blame the above. ;o)
zzzzz… Diane
P.S. Please remember that I am on the spectrum as are my children (young adults now) and I have no intent to offend in any way.
Tuesday, December 22, 2015
The Courts Are As Bad As Schools When It Comes To Being Bullied
Forewarning: Massive Rant Against The Legal System
Okay… (I wrote this back in 2015 and never published)
I've been in the middle of a horrendous divorce for 5 years. It finally ended July 1 2015.
Unfortunately my ex is such a pathological liar that he would pass a lie detector test because he believes his lies and because of that so do the judges WITHOUT requiring evidence from him!
Our Judge Pro Tem at the trial (oh also, I think we had the same judge maybe twice over the entire 5 years - how stupid is that???).
There's no way they can keep track of what's going on and what's happened when they're not on the case regularly.
Anyhow the Judge Pro Tem that did our trial (who wasn't our regular judge) told us that he had experience many years ago with children with Autism.
I find that INCREDIBLY hard to believe when he couldn't pick it up in me and instead stated that I was being evasive!
Hello Dear Judge Pro Tem Sir?
Struggling to answer a question when one has Autism is not being evasive…
And again, IT'S IN THE DANG COURT RECORDS!
But oh wait, that's another problem for those of us who need a little extra help, because those judges rotate in and out so much they have no idea what's been going on in the case.
You know, I guess it's kind of like an IEP.
The substitute teachers (the bad ones, not the good ones) and regular teachers (again the bad ones, not the good ones) don't even bother to familiarize themselves with their student(s) IEP's.
The Judges don't bother to familiarize themselves with the aspects of the case (such as a person's - DOCUMENTED WITH PROOF SUBMITTED TO THE COURT MULTIPLE TIMES - disabilities) before they hear a new motion!
Struggling to answer a question when one has Autism is not being evasive…
And again, IT'S IN THE DANG COURT RECORDS!
But oh wait, that's another problem for those of us who need a little extra help, because those judges rotate in and out so much they have no idea what's been going on in the case.
You know, I guess it's kind of like an IEP.
The substitute teachers (the bad ones, not the good ones) and regular teachers (again the bad ones, not the good ones) don't even bother to familiarize themselves with their student(s) IEP's.
The Judges don't bother to familiarize themselves with the aspects of the case (such as a person's - DOCUMENTED WITH PROOF SUBMITTED TO THE COURT MULTIPLE TIMES - disabilities) before they hear a new motion!
At any rate…
When our kids are in school and they get bullied, many times our kids are the ones that get in trouble because the bully can turn it around and our kids are so easily convinced and/or confounded that they end up getting in trouble.
My son in middle school… A kid slaps him across the face for no reason in PE and the teacher just happened to turn around then and see it. He sent both boys to the office.
On the way the bully told my son "We were just playing a slapping game but he caught us before you could slap me back".
So what did my son tell the office personnel? You got it, exactly what the kid told him.
What happened?
MY son was punished even though he had done nothing wrong.
They didn't even bother to try find out the truth EVEN THOUGH they knew that my son was/is on the spectrum!
I spent time with him that night to find out what happened and that's how I figured it out.
Yep there was a rather disgruntled mother (yours truly) in that office the next day chewing them out yet again for their refusal to properly evaluate a situation, yet again, when my son is involved.
So anyhow I provided documented evidence to the judge (on several occasions) that I am on the spectrum and that I have difficulties and I requested a note taker for the trial.
The judge shut me down and wrote "Petitioner is just trying to get a court-appointed attorney to take notes for her so that she can pick and choose to see which ones (notes) she wants to discuss".
Um, isn't that what one does when in the middle of a trial?
Why is he allowed to pick and choose through his notes while I'm screwed because I can't take notes??
There is no such thing as the 'right to a fair trial'.
If you are on the spectrum or you have any difficulty whatsoever with communication and you don't have an attorney you're screwed.
I provided documented evidence, MANY times, and that's the treatment from the judge.
What the HELL is the matter with the court system?
Not too long in the future the courts are going to be overwhelmed with people that have difficulties.
They better friggin' start figuring it out because it's pi**ing me off.
I can't hold my own against a pathological liar. He's smooth on cue, he cries on cue, every other word out of his mouth and printed from his computer is a lie.
I've shown concrete proof of his multiple perjuries and yet they've done nothing about it.
He is so very vicious and says the most awful things to me (well, emails because we don't speak) and that puts me in a depression so when I go into the court for a hearing I'm not 'together'.
He's been found in contempt twice, a third time is right around the corner, and yet he was able to pass a few lies by the judge which caused her to extend it a week.
I can't even pay my rent for January and this idiot went out and bought a $70,000 truck and has screamed and cried from day one about not being able to support his son and then paying maintenance once that was ordered because he's too busy buying toys for himself.
The judge is going to listen to the transcript from the trial to see if what he's saying is true. I'm pretty certain he's lying but I paid $25 for a recording of the trial so that I could listen to it.
Lo and behold the friggin' courts use this system from this awful company - fortherecord.com - that locks up these audios so that you have to use their stupid software in order to listen to the audio.
And guess what?
It doesn't work on Mac!! So I'm out $25 because the court won't reimburse me and I can't even listen to the damn thing.
Don't ever, ever, ever rely on the courts to do the right thing.
The Best Liar Wins - that's what it's all about anymore.
He perjured himself with the paperwork he turned in to the child support folks so that he could get away with paying less. The government folks don't comb through paperwork like I do and so they didn't see all the inconsistencies, and lies, and hidden information that I found.
But there again, he caused us to have to have two hearings before the Administrative Law Judges and he ended up getting away with paying maybe 20%, if that, of the child support award leaving me in the gutter trying to pay the rest and keep our son well.
I'm so sick of it and of him and of the courts and of the judges.
If you can't communicate perfectly, and can't afford an attorney, then you're screwed because those judges do not care.
He's made so many threats to me to cause me trouble with various government agencies, even admitted in writing that they were lies, and still he didn't get in trouble.
All I can hope is that this coming Monday he's found in contempt (he owes me almost $7000 in support right now) and that she (the judge) is nice to me instead of always scowling at me and not being nice to me.
It was supposed to happen this past Monday but his lies caused the judge to extend it a week.
It was supposed to happen this past Monday but his lies caused the judge to extend it a week.
Now she's mad at me because I can't remember certain things and the reason for that is I fell 3 days before the trial and slammed my head on a piece of driftwood (end of June 2015).
Which, again, is documented with the court!
Which, again, is documented with the court!
Blacked out and ended up with a concussion and a massively scraped up body.
Now I'm having neurological difficulties (MRI tomorrow and a referral to a Neurologist) and the Judge snapped at me yesterday when I said I didn't remember a date.
Come on, it's been freaking FIVE YEARS … How in the world am I supposed to remember everything that happened over the past five years?
One thing I do remember is how many times I considered stepping off Deception Pass Bridge. Well, not how many times, but definitely more often than not those thoughts were running through my mind.
Why do the courts not care about those of us with 'invisible' disabilities? Because they're too damn tied up in their own beliefs that they refuse to think you have any troubles at all and instead you're being evasive or a problem causer.
Sounds a LOT like school doesn't it?
Sadly now the bullies are getting away with the same crap in the courthouses because the Judges refuse to spend the time to see who is actually lying and who is actually telling the truth.
What a joke.
I'm tired. Gonna make an omelet and go to bed.
Sorry for the rant … HaveAutismWillRamble…
Sleep well!
Diane
Tuesday, November 24, 2015
That'll be $1 please!
The other day (actually quite a few days ago but I've been dealing with some depression so I haven't posted in a while) but anyhow… ;o)
The other day my son and I were chatting (more like mini-arguing if that makes sense) about money.
Most parents of young adults with Autism are probably familiar with this argument…
I'd *love* to hear back from you as to what the outcomes of the arguments have been…
Here's ours (keep in mind that we're sharing an apartment, he's almost 22, and he's required by SSI to pay his portion of the expenses):
Him: I'm going to buy X with my money.
Me: I'm sorry but you don't have enough money. If you spend that then we won't have enough for the rent.
Him: But you have enough to pay the whole rent.
Me: Why do you get to spend your money on what you want and I don't get to? Why do I have to pay all the expenses. What if I decided to just go spend my money on whatever I wanted?
Him: You would risk the roof over our heads by doing that?
Me: …
Ok my dear Reader - raise your eyebrows 'til you can't raise them any higher and at the same time open your eyes as wide as they can open, and for good measure let your jaw 'hit the floor'.
If your life has been anything like mine you'll start to do the above and your face will actually automatically assume the position… lol
That's the face my son saw staring back at him when he said that!
I didn't even have time to form a coherent thought in my mind, let alone speak it, before he was backpedaling realizing that what he'd said was the wronnnnnnng thing to say! ;o)
Me {after simmering for a couple hours}: From now on when I drive you to work you will pay me $1. It will be a full dollar whether it's round trip or just a drop off or just a pick up - payable in advance! At which point I left his room.
Him {under his breath in his room thinking I can't hear him even though I'm no more than ten steps our of his room}: Well if *that's* how she wants to play it…
So I step back around the corner to see his eyes widen as he realized that I was there. He wasn't yet sure though whether or not I had heard him so it took a couple tries to get it out of him.
We had a discussion at which point he kind of, but still kinda not, started to come around so then I told him "One more comment or smart-alecky remark and you'll be paying me for cooking your dinner and if you don't pay then you won't eat what I cooked."
That got his attention (he doesn't cook much and by 'much' I mean he cooks probably three things)… ;o)
I'm desperately trying to get him to understand the value not only of a dollar but also the value of a person's time - and why it's important that he learn to be responsible for his own self and quit just expecting other people to drop what they're doing to take care of his needs (when he's very capable of handling a situation himself - if he's not capable of handling it then I most definitely am there for him).
As part of that I want to teach him that when he's dually responsible for an expense and he expects the other person to pay the entire expense so that he can buy what he wants that keeps the other person from buying what they want.
He has come a very, very long way from where he started and although he's still cognitively behind his chronological age he is finally coming to some wise realizations.
Not only did he take it upon himself to pay me the $1 when I drove him to work the next day, in advance mind you without me having to say anything (which to be honest I don't even know that I would have remembered - some neurological issues are creeping up on me), he's even gone so far as to tell me that really $1 isn't fair to me (me, not him) because it costs gas, wear & tear on the car, and my time away from my work in order to take him to his work.
Make close to the same face you made above, not exact but close. It's still a look of surprise but with a smile because it's kind of like "wow he really gets it!". Bet your face automatically assumes the position on that one as well eh? ;o)
My response is that the reason I set it at a dollar was so that he'd get the idea without going broke but also that it was important enough to me to be able to spend even that short amount of time (time driving to and/or from work) with him just talking and enjoying each others' company.
We do get along very well and we do things together (mostly watch the shows he wants to watch) but he spends a lot of time either on his video game or at the skate park or at one of his two part-time jobs so that time in the car with him is golden for me.
Now every 5 days or so depending on his schedule I have $5 to put a bit of gas in the car!
He feels good because he's contributing something toward his consumption of my time, gas, and car wear & tear; I feel good because it feels like he's learning the lesson; and we both feel good when we get to spend that time in the car!
Win … WIn … WIN!!
Have a great day!
Diane
PS: Stick with me and shortly I'll fill you in on a program that I use in my internet-based business (I sell downloadable construction forms/documents) that you can use to earn money off of the various charts and worksheets you've created over the years while working with your children/young adults.
Diane
PPS: Please let me know below how these types of arguments have worked out for you and what tactics you used that worked. Thank you!! Diane
The other day my son and I were chatting (more like mini-arguing if that makes sense) about money.
Most parents of young adults with Autism are probably familiar with this argument…
I'd *love* to hear back from you as to what the outcomes of the arguments have been…
Here's ours (keep in mind that we're sharing an apartment, he's almost 22, and he's required by SSI to pay his portion of the expenses):
Him: I'm going to buy X with my money.
Me: I'm sorry but you don't have enough money. If you spend that then we won't have enough for the rent.
Him: But you have enough to pay the whole rent.
Me: Why do you get to spend your money on what you want and I don't get to? Why do I have to pay all the expenses. What if I decided to just go spend my money on whatever I wanted?
Him: You would risk the roof over our heads by doing that?
Me: …
Ok my dear Reader - raise your eyebrows 'til you can't raise them any higher and at the same time open your eyes as wide as they can open, and for good measure let your jaw 'hit the floor'.
If your life has been anything like mine you'll start to do the above and your face will actually automatically assume the position… lol
That's the face my son saw staring back at him when he said that!
I didn't even have time to form a coherent thought in my mind, let alone speak it, before he was backpedaling realizing that what he'd said was the wronnnnnnng thing to say! ;o)
Me {after simmering for a couple hours}: From now on when I drive you to work you will pay me $1. It will be a full dollar whether it's round trip or just a drop off or just a pick up - payable in advance! At which point I left his room.
Him {under his breath in his room thinking I can't hear him even though I'm no more than ten steps our of his room}: Well if *that's* how she wants to play it…
So I step back around the corner to see his eyes widen as he realized that I was there. He wasn't yet sure though whether or not I had heard him so it took a couple tries to get it out of him.
We had a discussion at which point he kind of, but still kinda not, started to come around so then I told him "One more comment or smart-alecky remark and you'll be paying me for cooking your dinner and if you don't pay then you won't eat what I cooked."
That got his attention (he doesn't cook much and by 'much' I mean he cooks probably three things)… ;o)
I'm desperately trying to get him to understand the value not only of a dollar but also the value of a person's time - and why it's important that he learn to be responsible for his own self and quit just expecting other people to drop what they're doing to take care of his needs (when he's very capable of handling a situation himself - if he's not capable of handling it then I most definitely am there for him).
As part of that I want to teach him that when he's dually responsible for an expense and he expects the other person to pay the entire expense so that he can buy what he wants that keeps the other person from buying what they want.
He has come a very, very long way from where he started and although he's still cognitively behind his chronological age he is finally coming to some wise realizations.
Not only did he take it upon himself to pay me the $1 when I drove him to work the next day, in advance mind you without me having to say anything (which to be honest I don't even know that I would have remembered - some neurological issues are creeping up on me), he's even gone so far as to tell me that really $1 isn't fair to me (me, not him) because it costs gas, wear & tear on the car, and my time away from my work in order to take him to his work.
Make close to the same face you made above, not exact but close. It's still a look of surprise but with a smile because it's kind of like "wow he really gets it!". Bet your face automatically assumes the position on that one as well eh? ;o)
My response is that the reason I set it at a dollar was so that he'd get the idea without going broke but also that it was important enough to me to be able to spend even that short amount of time (time driving to and/or from work) with him just talking and enjoying each others' company.
We do get along very well and we do things together (mostly watch the shows he wants to watch) but he spends a lot of time either on his video game or at the skate park or at one of his two part-time jobs so that time in the car with him is golden for me.
Now every 5 days or so depending on his schedule I have $5 to put a bit of gas in the car!
He feels good because he's contributing something toward his consumption of my time, gas, and car wear & tear; I feel good because it feels like he's learning the lesson; and we both feel good when we get to spend that time in the car!
Win … WIn … WIN!!
Have a great day!
Diane
PS: Stick with me and shortly I'll fill you in on a program that I use in my internet-based business (I sell downloadable construction forms/documents) that you can use to earn money off of the various charts and worksheets you've created over the years while working with your children/young adults.
- Super simple (no selling of any type involved)
- Super fun (what's more fun than making money off of your own creations)
- Super satisfying (my guess is that you're like me and it warms your heart when someone else finds useful for their own children/young adults a chart or worksheet that you created that worked for you)
Diane
PPS: Please let me know below how these types of arguments have worked out for you and what tactics you used that worked. Thank you!! Diane
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