Inadequacy at its worst

Here I am once again finally back after being gone for so long.

I read a brief statement the other day, a blogger writing about the fact that he doesn't often care to write until he's in front of his computer (in private) so that he can express any emotion he's feeling while he's writing - including crying.

It gave me an idea which is to go ahead and blog even when I'm at the bottom, which I am right now - or at least extremely close to it.

Feelings of inadequacy are insidious in how they work their way into one's subconscious and then into her conscious thoughts - and for some of us those feelings are impossible to ignore.

BTW - I am purposefully trying to use 'big' words because I bounced my left temple off of driftwood in June 2015 and my vocabulary is suffering because of it.

Another thing is that I now use phrases that I've never uttered before (but am familiar with) simply because they're a bit, just a touch, more formal (IMHO) than I am. For instance the very first thing I said when I regained consciousness was "Oh my!".

I have never used that phrase in my life (written or spoken)!

I was out for a minute or less. I don't know for a fact because there weren't any witnesses but I am pretty sure based on the distance my walking partner had traveled.

He's a young-adult who happens to have Autism (we belong to a very small support group) and he was ahead of me and talking about his interest and had no idea I'd fallen until he turned and saw me starting to get back up.

I find that I am not using contractions near as much as I used to - but only in my writing not my speaking. Which is frustrating for two reasons ... my readers have often commented on how much they enjoy my writing and the second reason is because I love to write exactly as I talk, it just comes naturally (or at least used to).

Fortunately that seems to be improving instead of weakening like my vocabulary is but not as quickly as I would prefer. My goal is to get back to my original method of communication. It doesn't include the larger vocabulary but I love having that vocabulary because it allows me to participate in certain conversations.

I also have lost my ability to spell accurately, even simple words give me issues at times. I also edit other people's work to help them and now I struggle with theirs let alone mine. I end up with typos, extra words, missing words, wrong word use (their/they're/there), etc.

And because I have the perfectionist attitude in some of the things that I do (that all have to do with me) I can't not read and reread and reread again what I've written to make sure it's not missing anything or has any typos. I still miss things and so I continue to feel inadequate - a skill that I can no longer use to help the income keep 'coming in'.

I play Words with Friends to try to build my vocabulary back up. Not the best of methods but at least it's fun at the same time (when it's not crashing on my phone roughly once to twice per day - and when I'm not thinking about how much information the app is mining from my phone).

Anyhow, inadequacy has such an incredible hold on me right now. I cannot stop crying, I cannot stop thinking about everything that I'm inadequate at. I know it's ridiculous because I know that I'm not inadequate however that doesn't matter for some reason - it's like reason does not rule at times like this.

I have had an arrangement with a company forever, and I really enjoy some of the people there, but I am becoming increasingly frustrated with them over certain issues. With that frustration are those feelings of inadequacy - lately I feel like I can't do anything right for them.

I was heavy into the process of redoing my website due to having licensed a company to sell my forms. But then I started to realize that I was losing big time in the arrangement. Inadequacy caused me to not realize that in the first place.

I spoke with 'my' person there and I was a bit concerned that our arrangement would not continue. Inadequacy because each lost opportunity translates to me letting down my son and daughter.

Fortunately the people went back and re-figured it and the arrangement is much, much better than it was. So I should be happy, not depressed.

Why can I not get past these feelings.

My ex won't pay his court-ordered maintenance which keeps me chasing the immediate dollar rather than having time to focus more on long-term arrangements. This usually means a drop in income to begin with but which steadily increases as time goes on. Over a year after the divorce was finalized and still not a dime.

I can't focus as much on those business arrangements because I can't afford to have a lower income right now. Inadequacy.

I can't afford to buy my son what he'd like at the grocery store because my income isn't good. My son has Autism, is fully dependent on me, and he receives SSI and minimal food stamps - $39.

In addition I'm inadequate because I can't do the things that he needs done in order to help him advance in the world.

He always tells me "it's okay mom, it's not your fault" and I love him for that - but it is my fault. I should be able to provide for him no matter what. His father is not involved in his life. He left when our son was 17 and didn't look back (except to make sure I didn't know what was he up to).

I know for a fact that I'm inadequate as a mom for my daughter and that I have been ever since her brother slipped into Autism. She wasn't even 4 1/2 years old and I abandoned her emotional needs. It wasn't until many, many years later that it became clear that she's on the spectrum (she's higher on the spectrum than I am).

I have let her down her entire life, even to this day.

And now it's time to go be inadequate to my customers, readers, friends, family, etc. if I can stay awake. Had a big tooth yanked and they prescribed Percocet. I'm kind of lolling right now.

Diane