Inadequacy at its worst

Here I am once again finally back after being gone for so long.

I read a brief statement the other day, a blogger writing about the fact that he doesn't often care to write until he's in front of his computer (in private) so that he can express any emotion he's feeling while he's writing - including crying.

It gave me an idea which is to go ahead and blog even when I'm at the bottom, which I am right now - or at least extremely close to it.

Feelings of inadequacy are insidious in how they work their way into one's subconscious and then into her conscious thoughts - and for some of us those feelings are impossible to ignore.

BTW - I am purposefully trying to use 'big' words because I bounced my left temple off of driftwood in June 2015 and my vocabulary is suffering because of it.

Another thing is that I now use phrases that I've never uttered before (but am familiar with) simply because they're a bit, just a touch, more formal (IMHO) than I am. For instance the very first thing I said when I regained consciousness was "Oh my!".

I have never used that phrase in my life (written or spoken)!

I was out for a minute or less. I don't know for a fact because there weren't any witnesses but I am pretty sure based on the distance my walking partner had traveled.

He's a young-adult who happens to have Autism (we belong to a very small support group) and he was ahead of me and talking about his interest and had no idea I'd fallen until he turned and saw me starting to get back up.

I find that I am not using contractions near as much as I used to - but only in my writing not my speaking. Which is frustrating for two reasons ... my readers have often commented on how much they enjoy my writing and the second reason is because I love to write exactly as I talk, it just comes naturally (or at least used to).

Fortunately that seems to be improving instead of weakening like my vocabulary is but not as quickly as I would prefer. My goal is to get back to my original method of communication. It doesn't include the larger vocabulary but I love having that vocabulary because it allows me to participate in certain conversations.

I also have lost my ability to spell accurately, even simple words give me issues at times. I also edit other people's work to help them and now I struggle with theirs let alone mine. I end up with typos, extra words, missing words, wrong word use (their/they're/there), etc.

And because I have the perfectionist attitude in some of the things that I do (that all have to do with me) I can't not read and reread and reread again what I've written to make sure it's not missing anything or has any typos. I still miss things and so I continue to feel inadequate - a skill that I can no longer use to help the income keep 'coming in'.

I play Words with Friends to try to build my vocabulary back up. Not the best of methods but at least it's fun at the same time (when it's not crashing on my phone roughly once to twice per day - and when I'm not thinking about how much information the app is mining from my phone).

Anyhow, inadequacy has such an incredible hold on me right now. I cannot stop crying, I cannot stop thinking about everything that I'm inadequate at. I know it's ridiculous because I know that I'm not inadequate however that doesn't matter for some reason - it's like reason does not rule at times like this.

I have had an arrangement with a company forever, and I really enjoy some of the people there, but I am becoming increasingly frustrated with them over certain issues. With that frustration are those feelings of inadequacy - lately I feel like I can't do anything right for them.

I was heavy into the process of redoing my website due to having licensed a company to sell my forms. But then I started to realize that I was losing big time in the arrangement. Inadequacy caused me to not realize that in the first place.

I spoke with 'my' person there and I was a bit concerned that our arrangement would not continue. Inadequacy because each lost opportunity translates to me letting down my son and daughter.

Fortunately the people went back and re-figured it and the arrangement is much, much better than it was. So I should be happy, not depressed.

Why can I not get past these feelings.

My ex won't pay his court-ordered maintenance which keeps me chasing the immediate dollar rather than having time to focus more on long-term arrangements. This usually means a drop in income to begin with but which steadily increases as time goes on. Over a year after the divorce was finalized and still not a dime.

I can't focus as much on those business arrangements because I can't afford to have a lower income right now. Inadequacy.

I can't afford to buy my son what he'd like at the grocery store because my income isn't good. My son has Autism, is fully dependent on me, and he receives SSI and minimal food stamps - $39.

In addition I'm inadequate because I can't do the things that he needs done in order to help him advance in the world.

He always tells me "it's okay mom, it's not your fault" and I love him for that - but it is my fault. I should be able to provide for him no matter what. His father is not involved in his life. He left when our son was 17 and didn't look back (except to make sure I didn't know what was he up to).

I know for a fact that I'm inadequate as a mom for my daughter and that I have been ever since her brother slipped into Autism. She wasn't even 4 1/2 years old and I abandoned her emotional needs. It wasn't until many, many years later that it became clear that she's on the spectrum (she's higher on the spectrum than I am).

I have let her down her entire life, even to this day.

And now it's time to go be inadequate to my customers, readers, friends, family, etc. if I can stay awake. Had a big tooth yanked and they prescribed Percocet. I'm kind of lolling right now.

Diane

That'll be $1 please!

The other day (actually quite a few days ago but I've been dealing with some depression so I haven't posted in a while) but anyhow… ;o)

The other day my son and I were chatting (more like mini-arguing if that makes sense) about money.

Most parents of young adults with Autism are probably familiar with this argument…

I'd *love* to hear back from you as to what the outcomes of the arguments have been…

Here's ours (keep in mind that we're sharing an apartment, he's almost 22, and he's required by SSI to pay his portion of the expenses):

Him: I'm going to buy X with my money.

Me: I'm sorry but you don't have enough money. If you spend that then we won't have enough for the rent.

Him: But you have enough to pay the whole rent.

Me: Why do you get to spend your money on what you want and I don't get to? Why do I have to pay all the expenses. What if I decided to just go spend my money on whatever I wanted?

Him: You would risk the roof over our heads by doing that?

Me: …

Ok my dear Reader - raise your eyebrows 'til you can't raise them any higher and at the same time open your eyes as wide as they can open, and for good measure let your jaw 'hit the floor'.

If your life has been anything like mine you'll start to do the above and your face will actually automatically assume the position… lol

That's the face my son saw staring back at him when he said that!

I didn't even have time to form a coherent thought in my mind, let alone speak it, before he was backpedaling realizing that what he'd said was the wronnnnnnng thing to say! ;o)

Me {after simmering for a couple hours}: From now on when I drive you to work you will pay me $1. It will be a full dollar whether it's round trip or just a drop off or just a pick up - payable in advance! At which point I left his room.

Him {under his breath in his room thinking I can't hear him even though I'm no more than ten steps our of his room}: Well if *that's* how she wants to play it…

So I step back around the corner to see his eyes widen as he realized that I was there. He wasn't yet sure though whether or not I had heard him so it took a couple tries to get it out of him.

We had a discussion at which point he kind of, but still kinda not, started to come around so then I told him "One more comment or smart-alecky remark and you'll be paying me for cooking your dinner and if you don't pay then you won't eat what I cooked."

That got his attention (he doesn't cook much and by 'much' I mean he cooks probably three things)… ;o)

I'm desperately trying to get him to understand the value not only of a dollar but also the value of a person's time - and why it's important that he learn to be responsible for his own self and quit just expecting other people to drop what they're doing to take care of his needs (when he's very capable of handling a situation himself - if he's not capable of handling it then I most definitely am there for him).

As part of that I want to teach him that when he's dually responsible for an expense and he expects the other person to pay the entire expense so that he can buy what he wants that keeps the other person from buying what they want.

He has come a very, very long way from where he started and although he's still cognitively behind his chronological age he is finally coming to some wise realizations.

Not only did he take it upon himself to pay me the $1 when I drove him to work the next day, in advance mind you without me having to say anything (which to be honest I don't even know that I would have remembered - some neurological issues are creeping up on me), he's even gone so far as to tell me that really $1 isn't fair to me (me, not him) because it costs gas, wear & tear on the car, and my time away from my work in order to take him to his work.

Make close to the same face you made above, not exact but close. It's still a look of surprise but with a smile because it's kind of like "wow he really gets it!". Bet your face automatically assumes the position on that one as well eh? ;o)

My response is that the reason I set it at a dollar was so that he'd get the idea without going broke but also that it was important enough to me to be able to spend even that short amount of time (time driving to and/or from work) with him just talking and enjoying each others' company.

We do get along very well and we do things together (mostly watch the shows he wants to watch) but he spends a lot of time either on his video game or at the skate park or at one of his two part-time jobs so that time in the car with him is golden for me.

Now every 5 days or so depending on his schedule I have $5 to put a bit of gas in the car!

He feels good because he's contributing something toward his consumption of my time, gas, and car wear & tear; I feel good because it feels like he's learning the lesson; and we both feel good when we get to spend that time in the car!

Win … WIn … WIN!!

Have a great day!
Diane
PS: Stick with me and shortly I'll fill you in on a program that I use in my internet-based business (I sell downloadable construction forms/documents) that you can use to earn money off of the various charts and worksheets you've created over the years while working with your children/young adults.

• Super simple (no selling of any type involved)

• Super fun (what's more fun than making money off of your own creations)

• Super satisfying (my guess is that you're like me and it warms your heart when someone else finds useful for their own children/young adults a chart or worksheet that you created that worked for you)

Bye for now and Happy Thanksgiving if I don't get back before then! :o)
Diane

PPS: Please let me know below how these types of arguments have worked out for you and what tactics you used that worked. Thank you!! Diane

Suicide Ideation

I ask please that no one hate. I said I'd be brutally honest in my postings and it's to help others understand things they might not.

Out of the blue I found myself thinking about suicide the other day.

It's not unusual for me to do, think about suicide, when I'm massively depressed (I take medication to avoid getting to that point) but I didn't expect it to pop up like it did … made me realize that I'm more depressed and anxious than I thought I was.

The past 5 years of my life have been absolutely horrendous, beyond, to the point that it could be a novel I kid you not…

I thought that I was on track for things to get better but they're not yet. I know they will but I don't know that I have the time (funds) to last until they do get better.

I run a few construction-related websites and I've got great plans for them but it all takes time and that time is running out.

During those 5 years I 'idealized suicide' many times, hundreds, thousands of times - again I kid you not.

The thing is I wouldn't ever do it because the biggest draw to me in this universe are my two 'kids' (young adults now) - the only reason I would consider crossing that line would be if they would benefit enough from it.

When idealizing suicide I imagine how much better their lives would be without me around to make them worse.

Their lives were so miserable because of the horrendous divorce that was going on smack-dab in the middle of their lives.

We're all struggling financially and during that 5-year time frame more than once I thought about my life insurance and suicide so that my kids could have that life insurance money (it's a decent size policy).

They could heal their relationships with their father and they'd all be happy and I'd be out of the way.

But while fighting with my STBX (soon-to-be-ex [and their father]) to keep our son's policy in place I lost track of my own (which was always paid at the last possible moment, just like most bills these days) and it lapsed.

I have too many health issues and will never be issued life insurance again.

So that option of my kids getting my life insurance is gone which means I can, I hope, do them more good by being here than by being gone.

Many people say that committing suicide is a selfish act.

What those many people don't realize is that sometimes a person commits suicide with the mistaken belief that it will better someone else's life - and yes even people who they are related to (typically spouses and children).

That is far from a selfish act.

The person is so far into her depression that she can't accept, absolutely cannot believe, that she's worth anything including being mourned, and so in her highly worsened depression which is due to her desperate state which is typically due to her perceived failure of the other party/ies (and everyone else in her life) she comes to the conclusion that everyone would be better off if she wasn't part of the world.

Anyone can say "oh that's just an excuse; it's selfish" but anyone who does I would venture to guess has never experienced that depth of depression, not ever. If they had then they'd completely understand just like anyone who is reading this that has 'been there'.

I get to that point (a bit more often than I care to) but I'm not there right now. Which is why it surprised me that the thought came into my mind the other day.

Usually those suicidal thoughts don't occur until I've been crying for a couple days. It wasn't until I was writing this, at this particular moment while typing this line, that I realized that I am at that level or very close to it (not committing suicide but starting to imagine how much better their lives would be without me).

I am struggling massively and have been crying on and off out of fear: looking at losing my Internet within the next week or so which means losing my business, looking at losing the phone within the next week or so which means my son losing his part time job at the local sandwich chain, losing our apartment due to lack of rent money, my car on its last legs that I'll no longer be able to drive because I can't afford the insurance (and then the tag renewal is coming up, a second reason I can't drive it) and more - there's just too much to list.

So I guess that I have been more depressed than I realized … in all honesty that's why I haven't posted in a while so I guess all the signs were there, I just wasn't putting them all together until I was to that point.

You'd be amazed at what insight I have about the human psyche especially when realizing how messed up my own psychological health is ;o) but when clarity is ruling my life - which thankfully is more often than not - I am desperate to share what I know and what I feel because it always seems to help someone.

I was able to explain to a mother (actually grandmother raising her grandson) why her grandson, who is on the Autism Spectrum, wouldn't drive anymore even though he has his license.

I explained to her that there is so very much to keep track of - stoplights, when you can turn left and when you can't, stop signs and who goes first, people in the crosswalk, animals darting out, rain on the windshield, wipers moving back and forth on the windshield, anticipating other drivers' moves, motorcycles zooming by, huge buses driving by, horns honking, etc., on and on.

It's too much to handle for some of us and when she told her grandson what I said he was amazed that I was able to explain to his grandmother what he was dealing with better than he was able to explain it.

When I get down in the Seattle area I immediately go into a panic. I know exactly what these kids that can't drive or are afraid to drive are dealing with.

My kids know that they need to stop talking once we're in that kind of environment (unless they're helping me) because I cannot handle all the obstacles *and* hear them talk.

I have panic attacks in that kind of traffic, terrified I'm going to crash or run over someone… I won't say it hasn't been close a couple times!

Plus I have never not once not gotten lost when driving in Seattle, literally I have been lost every single time I've driven there.

I've been to the airport down there (SEA-TAC) many times and yet every.single.time. when I leave the airport I get lost and end up somewhere down in Seattle. I still get lost leaving there.

Once we found ourselves right next to the Mariner's Stadium I think it was.

I've found myself down at the docks more times than I care to admit - and the freaking dead-end streets that are more like muddy dead-end alleys (but you have no idea until you're already committed) with minimal space to turn around are even worse than the one-way streets - and I hate those (might I say 'stupid') one-way streets.

I drove in San Francisco once with 3 drunk people in my car and me having absolutely no idea where I was or where I was going (the drunk people did but … they were drunk) and the one-way streets OMG!!

There's no parking anywhere (not in Frisco or Seattle but I'm back to talking about Seattle) unless you pay and when you're driving along the street looking for the place that you're trying to find amidst all the other small shops in there you also have to keep an eye out for a parking lot nearby *and* during all that time not hit cars parked in the furthest right lane or run over anyone that's crossing the streets, at the corners and in the middle - it's absolute chaos!

One time I was so lost that I had to get off the freeway and then call my daughter and describe to her where I was (I couldn't remember the street name I exited on) so that she could look it up online and give me directions on how to get back on the correct freeway headed in the right direction!

I was so upset one time that I told my daughter I'd never drive down there again (she lives in a Seattle suburb) - because I'd gotten so so lost, I was so very upset.

I apologized of course and she understood; she 'gets' my panic attacks.

But in all fairness I said it after I finally got home in the rain in the dark driving through the forest on highway 20 with plenty of lunatics and my night blindness and headlights glinting off the windshield *and* the rear-view mirror *and* the side-view mirrors (and did I mention the rain drops on the windshield making everything 50 times worse?).

I have *never* been more of a mess after a drive than I was that night. And I couldn't turn it over to Cameron because he doesn't drive so I had no choice but to make it home.

Sometimes I still wonder how I did (make it home).

So anyhow, I don't really know why I'm posting this other than to give others who might not experience the suicidal type depression a look into what it's like - and to let those of you who regularly read my blog know where I've been and no doubt where I'll end up again and again.

Right now I have to figure out how to survive through the first of the year. Sadly Cameron's birthday is 12/13 and I've not got any idea what I'm going to do for him.

Well, I started with one subject, morphed to another subject, and then to yet another subject.

Sorry for my rambling but that is after all the name of the blog! ;o)

I'm also a self-mutilator but I'll write about that another time; insight and whatnot.

Diane

Quetzalcoatlus

Bless you! ;o)

Do you know what a Quetzalcoatlus is?

Ask any kid who studies dinosaurs and he/she'll be able to tell you right off the bat what it is.

Here's a picture:

Adapted from image by Big Bend National Park

(U.S. National Park Service),

U.S. Department of the Interior

So, next question…

Do you know what hospital and doctor waiting rooms, and the Quetzalcoatlus dinosaur, and a Yu-Gi-Oh card have in common?

… Hangman … !!

Much of my son Cameron's life has been spent in doctor and hospital waiting rooms with me being the only constant. Sometimes Shelby was along and sometimes dad was but mom was the one who was there every single time.

We used to play Hangman while in those waiting rooms - all.the.time - and I loved it (as did Cameron). It was 'old school', on a piece of paper with a pen/pencil and drawing the stick figure as 'bad' letters were guessed.

I used it as an opportunity to help him to increase his vocabulary. I still didn't know at the time that he was on the spectrum, just that something was 'wrong', but I knew that he needed help with his words.

So that's what we did - and even as recent as 3 or 4 days ago we played (that was a very pleasant surprise for me). :o)

Anyhow, apparently Cameron is playing Hangman at work with his co-workers when there aren't any customers and no cleaning to do, etc.

Cameron's vocabulary has improved so much over the years that his opponent actually told him that it was nice to play against someone who has the same level of vocabulary that he does.

So, his co-worker writes out 14 lines for a 14 letter word.

Cameron guessed and guessed and finally got it down to one letter left to guess - the 'Q'.

He had one chance left before his 'man would be hanged'.

He studied the word with the missing first letter and then later when his coworker asked if he was ready to make his final guess Cameron replied with 'Q'.

Of course his co-worker responded with a startled "bleep", totally not expecting Cameron to get it.

But I still haven't tied in the Yu-Gi-Oh card…

Cameron had a little help with finally figuring out the word Quetzalcoatlus - help from something you'd least expect.

He remembered that one of his 4000+ (!!) Yu-Gi-Oh cards

… (he has them all memorized) has a character that is named Quetzal and that solved the puzzle for him!

So anyone who says that these kids/young adults are spending too much time with these Pokemon and Yu-Gi-Oh cards, I say do some research into it and you might be surprised as to what you find out about them.

For example did you know that the creator of the Pokemon cards is a Japanese gentlemen and that he based the first round of Pokemon on bugs? 

If I remember the story correctly he used to play as a young boy in an empty field close to his home. He has Asperger's Syndrome (now known simply as Autism) and one of his obsessions was/is bugs.

Sadly the field where he used to play and find his various bugs was buried a parking structure or some other such cement monstrosity.

The man who lost out on his bugs didn't like the idea that other kids in his area, and like areas elsewhere, would never have the chance to get to know bugs 'personally' - so he created Pokemon (which as already mentioned were very much modeled around current creatures/bugs).

Would you have ever known that there was a dinosaur called a Quetzalcoatlus? I sure didn't.

But I'll bet if anyone has a dinosaur lover that person will be able to tell you exactly what it is!

Okay, I am exhausted for some reason. Have been wanting to write for a couple days now and just haven't had the energy.

But even so I couldn't wait any longer. :o)

Have a great rest of the weekend!

Diane

Children Of Today With Autism Can Take Care Of Our Young Adults When We're Gone!

An interesting thought…

I wrote in another post that today's children with Autism are going to be more advanced than our young adults that have Autism.

We parents worry like heck about what's going to happen to our young adults, usually if they aren't self-reliant, when we've left this earth.

Maybe as the younger children advance through school might it not be cool if they were taught how to work with older people (such as young adults) that have Autism so that we'd know that our young adults/adults will be taken care of!

Who knows, with the advances they're making in the various treatments and whatnot, today's children with Autism could very well be tomorrow's caretakers for our own 'kids'.

Just a thought…

Have a great day!!
Diane

Young Adults With Autism And No Services

Okay, so I didn't go to bed…

Something that's been eating at me so I figure I'll post it and ask how you feel about it…

Today's children have so many options available to them regarding treatment and help for Autism and that's absolutely wonderful but it is hard, if not impossible, to see these improvements come about after my son is past the age to qualify for the help.

Today's children that have Autism are going to be stronger than today's young adults with Autism because of all the training and support.

Even DS said the other day what a bummer it is that the local high school didn't have the good program in place when he was there a few years ago as they do now.

So this blog is going to be more dedicated around young adults with Autism since they're still pretty much in the cold as far as life skills meaningful support is concerned.

Also because my own two are now young adults and so I'll have more info about young adults than I will about the younger ones.

That's why the puzzle pieces aren't primary colors per se, they're muted a bit.

Our young adults are still kids so there's still fun color there but they've moved out of the kid world and are reaching ever so mightily to have the 'things' (girlfriends, drivers license, car, job, apartment, etc.) that other young adults their age have; yet it's always just out of reach.

I'm sure you noticed the black puzzle piece in the middle of the puzzle pieces here?

That's because there's a black hole in the spectrum that seriously threatens to pull our young adults in.

More about that later…

Have a great night/morning!
Diane