Inadequacy at its worst

Here I am once again finally back after being gone for so long.

I read a brief statement the other day, a blogger writing about the fact that he doesn't often care to write until he's in front of his computer (in private) so that he can express any emotion he's feeling while he's writing - including crying.

It gave me an idea which is to go ahead and blog even when I'm at the bottom, which I am right now - or at least extremely close to it.

Feelings of inadequacy are insidious in how they work their way into one's subconscious and then into her conscious thoughts - and for some of us those feelings are impossible to ignore.

BTW - I am purposefully trying to use 'big' words because I bounced my left temple off of driftwood in June 2015 and my vocabulary is suffering because of it.

Another thing is that I now use phrases that I've never uttered before (but am familiar with) simply because they're a bit, just a touch, more formal (IMHO) than I am. For instance the very first thing I said when I regained consciousness was "Oh my!".

I have never used that phrase in my life (written or spoken)!

I was out for a minute or less. I don't know for a fact because there weren't any witnesses but I am pretty sure based on the distance my walking partner had traveled.

He's a young-adult who happens to have Autism (we belong to a very small support group) and he was ahead of me and talking about his interest and had no idea I'd fallen until he turned and saw me starting to get back up.

I find that I am not using contractions near as much as I used to - but only in my writing not my speaking. Which is frustrating for two reasons ... my readers have often commented on how much they enjoy my writing and the second reason is because I love to write exactly as I talk, it just comes naturally (or at least used to).

Fortunately that seems to be improving instead of weakening like my vocabulary is but not as quickly as I would prefer. My goal is to get back to my original method of communication. It doesn't include the larger vocabulary but I love having that vocabulary because it allows me to participate in certain conversations.

I also have lost my ability to spell accurately, even simple words give me issues at times. I also edit other people's work to help them and now I struggle with theirs let alone mine. I end up with typos, extra words, missing words, wrong word use (their/they're/there), etc.

And because I have the perfectionist attitude in some of the things that I do (that all have to do with me) I can't not read and reread and reread again what I've written to make sure it's not missing anything or has any typos. I still miss things and so I continue to feel inadequate - a skill that I can no longer use to help the income keep 'coming in'.

I play Words with Friends to try to build my vocabulary back up. Not the best of methods but at least it's fun at the same time (when it's not crashing on my phone roughly once to twice per day - and when I'm not thinking about how much information the app is mining from my phone).

Anyhow, inadequacy has such an incredible hold on me right now. I cannot stop crying, I cannot stop thinking about everything that I'm inadequate at. I know it's ridiculous because I know that I'm not inadequate however that doesn't matter for some reason - it's like reason does not rule at times like this.

I have had an arrangement with a company forever, and I really enjoy some of the people there, but I am becoming increasingly frustrated with them over certain issues. With that frustration are those feelings of inadequacy - lately I feel like I can't do anything right for them.

I was heavy into the process of redoing my website due to having licensed a company to sell my forms. But then I started to realize that I was losing big time in the arrangement. Inadequacy caused me to not realize that in the first place.

I spoke with 'my' person there and I was a bit concerned that our arrangement would not continue. Inadequacy because each lost opportunity translates to me letting down my son and daughter.

Fortunately the people went back and re-figured it and the arrangement is much, much better than it was. So I should be happy, not depressed.

Why can I not get past these feelings.

My ex won't pay his court-ordered maintenance which keeps me chasing the immediate dollar rather than having time to focus more on long-term arrangements. This usually means a drop in income to begin with but which steadily increases as time goes on. Over a year after the divorce was finalized and still not a dime.

I can't focus as much on those business arrangements because I can't afford to have a lower income right now. Inadequacy.

I can't afford to buy my son what he'd like at the grocery store because my income isn't good. My son has Autism, is fully dependent on me, and he receives SSI and minimal food stamps - $39.

In addition I'm inadequate because I can't do the things that he needs done in order to help him advance in the world.

He always tells me "it's okay mom, it's not your fault" and I love him for that - but it is my fault. I should be able to provide for him no matter what. His father is not involved in his life. He left when our son was 17 and didn't look back (except to make sure I didn't know what was he up to).

I know for a fact that I'm inadequate as a mom for my daughter and that I have been ever since her brother slipped into Autism. She wasn't even 4 1/2 years old and I abandoned her emotional needs. It wasn't until many, many years later that it became clear that she's on the spectrum (she's higher on the spectrum than I am).

I have let her down her entire life, even to this day.

And now it's time to go be inadequate to my customers, readers, friends, family, etc. if I can stay awake. Had a big tooth yanked and they prescribed Percocet. I'm kind of lolling right now.

Diane

People With Autism Make Some Of The Best Relationship Partners!

Hi All!

I'm sorry I've been gone for so long. Just super busy.

I really do want an iPad/tablet that I could take to bed with me to write posts - because I'm never inclined to take my computer back there. ;o)

I read something the other day that got me to thinking…

I believe that people with Autism can make some of the most perfect relationship partners.

They're extremely tolerant (if they were raised properly) and everyone, within their realm of sexualism (I can't think right now of a better way to say that), to them is a potential long-term relationship.

It doesn't matter if she's 'chunky' (as I am) or he wears glasses or she has teeth that really needed to be in braces or he doesn't shower regularly lol (clothes pin anyone?) - they're all potential partners.

That's not to say that they don't salivate about some, who doesn't(?), but they have no problem 'settling' with a person that someone who is 'neuro-typical' wouldn't even consider in their ballpark.

Put on a little weight, don't do your hair, stay in your jammies all day, read or watch tv all day, etc. it doesn't matter as the partner with Autism will not only still love the person but will very possibly join them in the same room for some parallel 'play' (and with much glee I might add).

But of course that means you'll be interrupted every 3 to 5 minutes with information about whatever it is he/she is working on. Often times a small price to pay just to get them out of their room and into the same room with you for awhile but still the interruptions can be a bit aggravating depending on what you're doing. ;o)

I realize that for many neuro-typical people it wouldn't be 'cool' for them to be with someone who doesn't notice when they've spent time dressing up as they need to be 'seen' by their partner, they need to see that they are appreciated and beautiful.

When the partner expresses no opinion in regard to how you appear it can be a real drag - but when you think about it it's typically a drag only when you've spent the time to 'dress up' (along with make-up if appropriate, nice clothes, styled hair, etc.).

On those days when your hair is crazy wild & you didn't shower when you got up - he's not going to really notice that (or it won't register for long in his mind); you lounge and read or watch tv all day (or whatever lazy 'sport' you do); you totally don't feel like cooking dinner so you don't (and you also don't order take out - you just plain don't put dinner out); etc. he's not going to have even one negative thought about how you look, how you're lazing, how you're not doing dinner, etc.

In fact he'll probably be happy because it'll mean that he doesn't have to clean the kitchen! (and as mentioned he'll probably be quite happy to join you in the same room)

So really, getting upset when they don't notice that you're dressed up vs. when you *haven't* spent the time to get dressed up, is that really fair to get upset that he doesn't notice when truly the only time we get upset is when we've spent time to look nice - and yet not when we've most definitely not spent any time at all to look nice.

It doesn't matter what religion you are (or aren't), and again as long as the person was raised properly, your beliefs are accepted unconditionally.

My childrens' grandparents are of American Indian descent and taught the kids about the various 'Gods'.

There are a LOT of cultures that have different 'Gods'.

And then some don't believe in anything that they can't see or touch so they don't believe that there actually is a 'God'.

And then there's the UFO's… ;o)

The person with Autism doesn't mind at all what your beliefs are. 

So if you're adamant about keeping your religion you'll know that you won't have to worry about arguments over it (unless you insist that s/he go with you if they don't want to). ;o)

How about those who would like a few days away from their spouse - regularly?

In my experience it's perfect, for anyone who wants those days alone (regularly), to be with someone with Autism.

You're going to get the alone time from your partner anyway whether you want it or not and since you know that's going to happen why not be guaranteed that you'll get that time that you need - and believe me it will be a regular occurence.

The person with Autism absolutely has to have the alone time - so you're going to have it whether or not you want it.

So again, why not be guaranteed that you'll get that alone time that you're already aware that you're going to want in a relationship?

All of us with Autism - all we want to do is please. That makes us perfect partners for a certain group within the population!

There are other things but I'm whooped and still have hours of work ahead of me.
If this doesn't make sense I blame the above. ;o)

zzzzz… Diane
P.S. Please remember that I am on the spectrum as are my children (young adults now) and I have no intent to offend in any way.