The other day my son and I were chatting (more like mini-arguing if that makes sense) about money.
Most parents of young adults with Autism are probably familiar with this argument…
I'd *love* to hear back from you as to what the outcomes of the arguments have been…
Here's ours (keep in mind that we're sharing an apartment, he's almost 22, and he's required by SSI to pay his portion of the expenses):
Him: I'm going to buy X with my money.
Me: I'm sorry but you don't have enough money. If you spend that then we won't have enough for the rent.
Him: But you have enough to pay the whole rent.
Me: Why do you get to spend your money on what you want and I don't get to? Why do I have to pay all the expenses. What if I decided to just go spend my money on whatever I wanted?
Him: You would risk the roof over our heads by doing that?
Me: …
Ok my dear Reader - raise your eyebrows 'til you can't raise them any higher and at the same time open your eyes as wide as they can open, and for good measure let your jaw 'hit the floor'.
If your life has been anything like mine you'll start to do the above and your face will actually automatically assume the position… lol
That's the face my son saw staring back at him when he said that!
I didn't even have time to form a coherent thought in my mind, let alone speak it, before he was backpedaling realizing that what he'd said was the wronnnnnnng thing to say! ;o)
Me {after simmering for a couple hours}: From now on when I drive you to work you will pay me $1. It will be a full dollar whether it's round trip or just a drop off or just a pick up - payable in advance! At which point I left his room.
Him {under his breath in his room thinking I can't hear him even though I'm no more than ten steps our of his room}: Well if *that's* how she wants to play it…
So I step back around the corner to see his eyes widen as he realized that I was there. He wasn't yet sure though whether or not I had heard him so it took a couple tries to get it out of him.
We had a discussion at which point he kind of, but still kinda not, started to come around so then I told him "One more comment or smart-alecky remark and you'll be paying me for cooking your dinner and if you don't pay then you won't eat what I cooked."
That got his attention (he doesn't cook much and by 'much' I mean he cooks probably three things)… ;o)
I'm desperately trying to get him to understand the value not only of a dollar but also the value of a person's time - and why it's important that he learn to be responsible for his own self and quit just expecting other people to drop what they're doing to take care of his needs (when he's very capable of handling a situation himself - if he's not capable of handling it then I most definitely am there for him).
As part of that I want to teach him that when he's dually responsible for an expense and he expects the other person to pay the entire expense so that he can buy what he wants that keeps the other person from buying what they want.
He has come a very, very long way from where he started and although he's still cognitively behind his chronological age he is finally coming to some wise realizations.
Not only did he take it upon himself to pay me the $1 when I drove him to work the next day, in advance mind you without me having to say anything (which to be honest I don't even know that I would have remembered - some neurological issues are creeping up on me), he's even gone so far as to tell me that really $1 isn't fair to me (me, not him) because it costs gas, wear & tear on the car, and my time away from my work in order to take him to his work.
Make close to the same face you made above, not exact but close. It's still a look of surprise but with a smile because it's kind of like "wow he really gets it!". Bet your face automatically assumes the position on that one as well eh? ;o)
My response is that the reason I set it at a dollar was so that he'd get the idea without going broke but also that it was important enough to me to be able to spend even that short amount of time (time driving to and/or from work) with him just talking and enjoying each others' company.
We do get along very well and we do things together (mostly watch the shows he wants to watch) but he spends a lot of time either on his video game or at the skate park or at one of his two part-time jobs so that time in the car with him is golden for me.
Now every 5 days or so depending on his schedule I have $5 to put a bit of gas in the car!
He feels good because he's contributing something toward his consumption of my time, gas, and car wear & tear; I feel good because it feels like he's learning the lesson; and we both feel good when we get to spend that time in the car!
Win … WIn … WIN!!
Have a great day!
Diane
PS: Stick with me and shortly I'll fill you in on a program that I use in my internet-based business (I sell downloadable construction forms/documents) that you can use to earn money off of the various charts and worksheets you've created over the years while working with your children/young adults.
- Super simple (no selling of any type involved)
- Super fun (what's more fun than making money off of your own creations)
- Super satisfying (my guess is that you're like me and it warms your heart when someone else finds useful for their own children/young adults a chart or worksheet that you created that worked for you)
Diane
PPS: Please let me know below how these types of arguments have worked out for you and what tactics you used that worked. Thank you!! Diane
