I moved to Puerto Vallarta forever - but I came back in less than 3 months...

For many reasons that I'll explore through various postings, I moved my son (23, has Autism, fully dependent) and I down to Puerto Vallarta in October 2017. I thought I was doing a good thing but I wasn't "all there in the head/brain".

My daughter stayed in Tacoma and I had grand plans that we would see each other every 3 to 4 months. I thought we'd actually see each other more often than we were when we were living many hours away, simply because the cost of living was supposed to be so much better that I'd be able to afford to fly her down, and I'd be able to afford to fly up.

My heart still breaks every single day because I left her. 

Even though we're within 2 hours of each other now my heart is still so full of grief for having left her - it's one of those decisions that will haunt me for life.

Living in Puerto Vallarta was supposed to be so affordable, I had myself so convinced that things would be so much better there for all of our needs.

I got rid of e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. - consolidated our lives down to 5 suitcases, two backpacks, a carry-on, and our BabyK and her kitty carrier.

I sold my car, in hindsight at such a ridiculously low price I am still kicking myself today (but for so many things, not just that), I digitized photos and took pictures of gifts my kids had made for me over the years, scanned their baby books, just literally got rid of everything in one way or another.

Even my son got rid of his stuff, so so much of his stuff including his computer, many of his magic cards, clothing, everything.

I was just finishing out a 7-year long, brutal divorce and I know now that I was running (one of those "in hindsight bad reasons" mentioned above).

When I say brutal I can't describe/define/detail/call it what it you but I cannot impart the brutality of those years on my brain and body. I'm still suffering today, still on a downward spiral that I didn't know I was on at the time.

There's this saying, I don't know exactly what it is, about not making major life decisions for a certain amount of time.

Well, that's one of the stupidest things through all of this that I did. But I didn't realize it. And how we're paying for it.

I moved us - not just moved us but moved us to another country after getting rid of everything we owned - and the court case wasn't even yet finalized.

I sat in a bedroom closet of a small room on the side of an extremely busy roadway in Puerto Vallarta, on my cell phone, speaking with the judge in the courthouse in Coupeville WA for our final hearing.

Within 20 days of that phone call we were back in the states. 

We'd been ripped by a Canadian realtor in Mexico, with no idea of what to do, and there was just barely enough money to get our plane tickets changed and get back to the states.

We are now paying for that horrible decision of mine. We're paying with the constant looming fear of homelessness and my emotional health is horrendous right now, shredded. 

I had grand plans; I was going to make both of our lives better.
I was going to continue to run my business from down there and he was going to do his own business of "serving" expats - grocery shopping and whatnot. 

Since he can't drive it was perfect because he could Uber. The Uber rides down there are approximately $2 to $3 so it was an affordable venture.

But it was more involved than I realized it would be. 

I was struggling to keep my own business going, the internet is horrendous, and there wasn't any way for us to figure out how to get him set up. 

Neither of us speaks Spanish, which I stupidly thought wouldn't be a problem, and it was all just so completely unfair to him.

One reason I was running in fear was because I thought that his social security was going to be "chopped" due to what was being said by the various administrations. We all have mid-to-high functioning Autism, and his had qualified him for SSI and Medicaid - but I feared it being taken away.

I thought we could afford both of our medical down there, which who knows maybe we probably could have if we'd been able to pull off living down there.

One problem was that if you're not a legal Mexican, you can't work, you can't get a job. Since my son couldn't do his own business he wasn't able to earn an income of any sort.

The hoops that the companies are made to jump through to prove why they can't hire a Mexican national to do a job rather than an American (or other nationality), and then the hoops that the individual has to jump through (such as traveling back and forth to their "homeland") if they're lucky enough to find a company willing to go through the hoops was just too much. 

With my own emotional and brain issues now clear, it was totally too difficult for me to do, let alone my son. 

We ended up in California and for both of us, our mental health continued to decline. Our situation was nothing more than a temporary landing spot, which unfortunately became more temporary than what was originally arranged, and we're now in Washington.

Life is beyond tough right now. We are struggling to make it both emotionally and financially and I'm not yet convinced that we will make it.

I've been so messed up emotionally that I've hurt my business - lost/chased away my main partners - and that lost income is also contributing to my fear of homelessness.

I have to figure out how to get better emotionally and make this work out.

I have to figure out how to focus on what to do to make it better, and try to quit focusing on how badly I screwed up, but I'm so full of doubt it's like there's no room for hope.

The Courts Are As Bad As Schools When It Comes To Being Bullied

Forewarning: Massive Rant Against The Legal System

Okay… (I wrote this back in 2015 and never published)

I've been in the middle of a horrendous divorce for 5 years. It finally ended July 1 2015.

Unfortunately my ex is such a pathological liar that he would pass a lie detector test because he believes his lies and because of that so do the judges WITHOUT requiring evidence from him!

Our Judge Pro Tem at the trial (oh also, I think we had the same judge maybe twice over the entire 5 years - how stupid is that???).

There's no way they can keep track of what's going on and what's happened when they're not on the case regularly.

Anyhow the Judge Pro Tem that did our trial (who wasn't our regular judge) told us that he had experience many years ago with children with Autism.

I find that INCREDIBLY hard to believe when he couldn't pick it up in me and instead stated that I was being evasive!

Hello Dear Judge Pro Tem Sir?

Struggling to answer a question when one has Autism is not being evasive…

And again, IT'S IN THE DANG COURT RECORDS!

But oh wait, that's another problem for those of us who need a little extra help, because those judges rotate in and out so much they have no idea what's been going on in the case.

You know, I guess it's kind of like an IEP.

The substitute teachers (the bad ones, not the good ones) and regular teachers (again the bad ones, not the good ones) don't even bother to familiarize themselves with their student(s) IEP's.

The Judges don't bother to familiarize themselves with the aspects of the case (such as a person's - DOCUMENTED WITH PROOF SUBMITTED TO THE COURT MULTIPLE TIMES - disabilities) before they hear a new motion!

At any rate…

When our kids are in school and they get bullied, many times our kids are the ones that get in trouble because the bully can turn it around and our kids are so easily convinced and/or confounded that they end up getting in trouble.

My son in middle school… A kid slaps him across the face for no reason in PE and the teacher just happened to turn around then and see it. He sent both boys to the office.

On the way the bully told my son "We were just playing a slapping game but he caught us before you could slap me back".

So what did my son tell the office personnel? You got it, exactly what the kid told him.

What happened? 

MY son was punished even though he had done nothing wrong. 

They didn't even bother to try find out the truth EVEN THOUGH they knew that my son was/is on the spectrum!

I spent time with him that night to find out what happened and that's how I figured it out.

Yep there was a rather disgruntled mother (yours truly) in that office the next day chewing them out yet again for their refusal to properly evaluate a situation, yet again, when my son is involved.

So anyhow I provided documented evidence to the judge (on several occasions) that I am on the spectrum and that I have difficulties and I requested a note taker for the trial.

The judge shut me down and wrote "Petitioner is just trying to get a court-appointed attorney to take notes for her so that she can pick and choose to see which ones (notes) she wants to discuss".

Um, isn't that what one does when in the middle of a trial? 

Why is he allowed to pick and choose through his notes while I'm screwed because I can't take notes??

There is no such thing as the 'right to a fair trial'.

If you are on the spectrum or you have any difficulty whatsoever with communication and you don't have an attorney you're screwed.

I provided documented evidence, MANY times, and that's the treatment from the judge.

What the HELL is the matter with the court system?

Not too long in the future the courts are going to be overwhelmed with people that have difficulties. 

They better friggin' start figuring it out because it's pi**ing me off.

I can't hold my own against a pathological liar. He's smooth on cue, he cries on cue, every other word out of his mouth and printed from his computer is a lie.

I've shown concrete proof of his multiple perjuries and yet they've done nothing about it.

He is so very vicious and says the most awful things to me (well, emails because we don't speak) and that puts me in a depression so when I go into the court for a hearing I'm not 'together'.

He's been found in contempt twice, a third time is right around the corner, and yet he was able to pass a few lies by the judge which caused her to extend it a week.

I can't even pay my rent for January and this idiot went out and bought a $70,000 truck and has screamed and cried from day one about not being able to support his son and then paying maintenance once that was ordered because he's too busy buying toys for himself.

The judge is going to listen to the transcript from the trial to see if what he's saying is true. I'm pretty certain he's lying but I paid $25 for a recording of the trial so that I could listen to it.

Lo and behold the friggin' courts use this system from this awful company - fortherecord.com - that locks up these audios so that you have to use their stupid software in order to listen to the audio. 

And guess what?

It doesn't work on Mac!! So I'm out $25 because the court won't reimburse me and I can't even listen to the damn thing.

Don't ever, ever, ever rely on the courts to do the right thing. 

The Best Liar Wins - that's what it's all about anymore.

He perjured himself with the paperwork he turned in to the child support folks so that he could get away with paying less. The government folks don't comb through paperwork like I do and so they didn't see all the inconsistencies, and lies, and hidden information that I found.

But there again, he caused us to have to have two hearings before the Administrative Law Judges and he ended up getting away with paying maybe 20%, if that, of the child support award leaving me in the gutter trying to pay the rest and keep our son well.

I'm so sick of it and of him and of the courts and of the judges.

If you can't communicate perfectly, and can't afford an attorney, then you're screwed because those judges do not care.

He's made so many threats to me to cause me trouble with various government agencies, even admitted in writing that they were lies, and still he didn't get in trouble.

All I can hope is that this coming Monday he's found in contempt (he owes me almost $7000 in support right now) and that she (the judge) is nice to me instead of always scowling at me and not being nice to me.

It was supposed to happen this past Monday but his lies caused the judge to extend it a week.

Now she's mad at me because I can't remember certain things and the reason for that is I fell 3 days before the trial and slammed my head on a piece of driftwood (end of June 2015).

Which, again, is documented with the court!

Blacked out and ended up with a concussion and a massively scraped up body.

Now I'm having neurological difficulties (MRI tomorrow and a referral to a Neurologist) and the Judge snapped at me yesterday when I said I didn't remember a date.

Come on, it's been freaking FIVE YEARS … How in the world am I supposed to remember everything that happened over the past five years?

One thing I do remember is how many times I considered stepping off Deception Pass Bridge. Well, not how many times, but definitely more often than not those thoughts were running through my mind.

Why do the courts not care about those of us with 'invisible' disabilities? Because they're too damn tied up in their own beliefs that they refuse to think you have any troubles at all and instead you're being evasive or a problem causer.

Sounds a LOT like school doesn't it?

Sadly now the bullies are getting away with the same crap in the courthouses because the Judges refuse to spend the time to see who is actually lying and who is actually telling the truth.

What a joke.

I'm tired. Gonna make an omelet and go to bed.

Sorry for the rant … HaveAutismWillRamble…

Sleep well!

Diane

That'll be $1 please!

The other day (actually quite a few days ago but I've been dealing with some depression so I haven't posted in a while) but anyhow… ;o)

The other day my son and I were chatting (more like mini-arguing if that makes sense) about money.

Most parents of young adults with Autism are probably familiar with this argument…

I'd *love* to hear back from you as to what the outcomes of the arguments have been…

Here's ours (keep in mind that we're sharing an apartment, he's almost 22, and he's required by SSI to pay his portion of the expenses):

Him: I'm going to buy X with my money.

Me: I'm sorry but you don't have enough money. If you spend that then we won't have enough for the rent.

Him: But you have enough to pay the whole rent.

Me: Why do you get to spend your money on what you want and I don't get to? Why do I have to pay all the expenses. What if I decided to just go spend my money on whatever I wanted?

Him: You would risk the roof over our heads by doing that?

Me: …

Ok my dear Reader - raise your eyebrows 'til you can't raise them any higher and at the same time open your eyes as wide as they can open, and for good measure let your jaw 'hit the floor'.

If your life has been anything like mine you'll start to do the above and your face will actually automatically assume the position… lol

That's the face my son saw staring back at him when he said that!

I didn't even have time to form a coherent thought in my mind, let alone speak it, before he was backpedaling realizing that what he'd said was the wronnnnnnng thing to say! ;o)

Me {after simmering for a couple hours}: From now on when I drive you to work you will pay me $1. It will be a full dollar whether it's round trip or just a drop off or just a pick up - payable in advance! At which point I left his room.

Him {under his breath in his room thinking I can't hear him even though I'm no more than ten steps our of his room}: Well if *that's* how she wants to play it…

So I step back around the corner to see his eyes widen as he realized that I was there. He wasn't yet sure though whether or not I had heard him so it took a couple tries to get it out of him.

We had a discussion at which point he kind of, but still kinda not, started to come around so then I told him "One more comment or smart-alecky remark and you'll be paying me for cooking your dinner and if you don't pay then you won't eat what I cooked."

That got his attention (he doesn't cook much and by 'much' I mean he cooks probably three things)… ;o)

I'm desperately trying to get him to understand the value not only of a dollar but also the value of a person's time - and why it's important that he learn to be responsible for his own self and quit just expecting other people to drop what they're doing to take care of his needs (when he's very capable of handling a situation himself - if he's not capable of handling it then I most definitely am there for him).

As part of that I want to teach him that when he's dually responsible for an expense and he expects the other person to pay the entire expense so that he can buy what he wants that keeps the other person from buying what they want.

He has come a very, very long way from where he started and although he's still cognitively behind his chronological age he is finally coming to some wise realizations.

Not only did he take it upon himself to pay me the $1 when I drove him to work the next day, in advance mind you without me having to say anything (which to be honest I don't even know that I would have remembered - some neurological issues are creeping up on me), he's even gone so far as to tell me that really $1 isn't fair to me (me, not him) because it costs gas, wear & tear on the car, and my time away from my work in order to take him to his work.

Make close to the same face you made above, not exact but close. It's still a look of surprise but with a smile because it's kind of like "wow he really gets it!". Bet your face automatically assumes the position on that one as well eh? ;o)

My response is that the reason I set it at a dollar was so that he'd get the idea without going broke but also that it was important enough to me to be able to spend even that short amount of time (time driving to and/or from work) with him just talking and enjoying each others' company.

We do get along very well and we do things together (mostly watch the shows he wants to watch) but he spends a lot of time either on his video game or at the skate park or at one of his two part-time jobs so that time in the car with him is golden for me.

Now every 5 days or so depending on his schedule I have $5 to put a bit of gas in the car!

He feels good because he's contributing something toward his consumption of my time, gas, and car wear & tear; I feel good because it feels like he's learning the lesson; and we both feel good when we get to spend that time in the car!

Win … WIn … WIN!!

Have a great day!
Diane
PS: Stick with me and shortly I'll fill you in on a program that I use in my internet-based business (I sell downloadable construction forms/documents) that you can use to earn money off of the various charts and worksheets you've created over the years while working with your children/young adults.

• Super simple (no selling of any type involved)

• Super fun (what's more fun than making money off of your own creations)

• Super satisfying (my guess is that you're like me and it warms your heart when someone else finds useful for their own children/young adults a chart or worksheet that you created that worked for you)

Bye for now and Happy Thanksgiving if I don't get back before then! :o)
Diane

PPS: Please let me know below how these types of arguments have worked out for you and what tactics you used that worked. Thank you!! Diane