Suicide Ideation

I ask please that no one hate. I said I'd be brutally honest in my postings and it's to help others understand things they might not.

Out of the blue I found myself thinking about suicide the other day.

It's not unusual for me to do, think about suicide, when I'm massively depressed (I take medication to avoid getting to that point) but I didn't expect it to pop up like it did … made me realize that I'm more depressed and anxious than I thought I was.

The past 5 years of my life have been absolutely horrendous, beyond, to the point that it could be a novel I kid you not…

I thought that I was on track for things to get better but they're not yet. I know they will but I don't know that I have the time (funds) to last until they do get better.

I run a few construction-related websites and I've got great plans for them but it all takes time and that time is running out.

During those 5 years I 'idealized suicide' many times, hundreds, thousands of times - again I kid you not.

The thing is I wouldn't ever do it because the biggest draw to me in this universe are my two 'kids' (young adults now) - the only reason I would consider crossing that line would be if they would benefit enough from it.

When idealizing suicide I imagine how much better their lives would be without me around to make them worse.

Their lives were so miserable because of the horrendous divorce that was going on smack-dab in the middle of their lives.

We're all struggling financially and during that 5-year time frame more than once I thought about my life insurance and suicide so that my kids could have that life insurance money (it's a decent size policy).

They could heal their relationships with their father and they'd all be happy and I'd be out of the way.

But while fighting with my STBX (soon-to-be-ex [and their father]) to keep our son's policy in place I lost track of my own (which was always paid at the last possible moment, just like most bills these days) and it lapsed.

I have too many health issues and will never be issued life insurance again.

So that option of my kids getting my life insurance is gone which means I can, I hope, do them more good by being here than by being gone.

Many people say that committing suicide is a selfish act.

What those many people don't realize is that sometimes a person commits suicide with the mistaken belief that it will better someone else's life - and yes even people who they are related to (typically spouses and children).

That is far from a selfish act.

The person is so far into her depression that she can't accept, absolutely cannot believe, that she's worth anything including being mourned, and so in her highly worsened depression which is due to her desperate state which is typically due to her perceived failure of the other party/ies (and everyone else in her life) she comes to the conclusion that everyone would be better off if she wasn't part of the world.

Anyone can say "oh that's just an excuse; it's selfish" but anyone who does I would venture to guess has never experienced that depth of depression, not ever. If they had then they'd completely understand just like anyone who is reading this that has 'been there'.

I get to that point (a bit more often than I care to) but I'm not there right now. Which is why it surprised me that the thought came into my mind the other day.

Usually those suicidal thoughts don't occur until I've been crying for a couple days. It wasn't until I was writing this, at this particular moment while typing this line, that I realized that I am at that level or very close to it (not committing suicide but starting to imagine how much better their lives would be without me).

I am struggling massively and have been crying on and off out of fear: looking at losing my Internet within the next week or so which means losing my business, looking at losing the phone within the next week or so which means my son losing his part time job at the local sandwich chain, losing our apartment due to lack of rent money, my car on its last legs that I'll no longer be able to drive because I can't afford the insurance (and then the tag renewal is coming up, a second reason I can't drive it) and more - there's just too much to list.

So I guess that I have been more depressed than I realized … in all honesty that's why I haven't posted in a while so I guess all the signs were there, I just wasn't putting them all together until I was to that point.

You'd be amazed at what insight I have about the human psyche especially when realizing how messed up my own psychological health is ;o) but when clarity is ruling my life - which thankfully is more often than not - I am desperate to share what I know and what I feel because it always seems to help someone.

I was able to explain to a mother (actually grandmother raising her grandson) why her grandson, who is on the Autism Spectrum, wouldn't drive anymore even though he has his license.

I explained to her that there is so very much to keep track of - stoplights, when you can turn left and when you can't, stop signs and who goes first, people in the crosswalk, animals darting out, rain on the windshield, wipers moving back and forth on the windshield, anticipating other drivers' moves, motorcycles zooming by, huge buses driving by, horns honking, etc., on and on.

It's too much to handle for some of us and when she told her grandson what I said he was amazed that I was able to explain to his grandmother what he was dealing with better than he was able to explain it.

When I get down in the Seattle area I immediately go into a panic. I know exactly what these kids that can't drive or are afraid to drive are dealing with.

My kids know that they need to stop talking once we're in that kind of environment (unless they're helping me) because I cannot handle all the obstacles *and* hear them talk.

I have panic attacks in that kind of traffic, terrified I'm going to crash or run over someone… I won't say it hasn't been close a couple times!

Plus I have never not once not gotten lost when driving in Seattle, literally I have been lost every single time I've driven there.

I've been to the airport down there (SEA-TAC) many times and yet every.single.time. when I leave the airport I get lost and end up somewhere down in Seattle. I still get lost leaving there.

Once we found ourselves right next to the Mariner's Stadium I think it was.

I've found myself down at the docks more times than I care to admit - and the freaking dead-end streets that are more like muddy dead-end alleys (but you have no idea until you're already committed) with minimal space to turn around are even worse than the one-way streets - and I hate those (might I say 'stupid') one-way streets.

I drove in San Francisco once with 3 drunk people in my car and me having absolutely no idea where I was or where I was going (the drunk people did but … they were drunk) and the one-way streets OMG!!

There's no parking anywhere (not in Frisco or Seattle but I'm back to talking about Seattle) unless you pay and when you're driving along the street looking for the place that you're trying to find amidst all the other small shops in there you also have to keep an eye out for a parking lot nearby *and* during all that time not hit cars parked in the furthest right lane or run over anyone that's crossing the streets, at the corners and in the middle - it's absolute chaos!

One time I was so lost that I had to get off the freeway and then call my daughter and describe to her where I was (I couldn't remember the street name I exited on) so that she could look it up online and give me directions on how to get back on the correct freeway headed in the right direction!

I was so upset one time that I told my daughter I'd never drive down there again (she lives in a Seattle suburb) - because I'd gotten so so lost, I was so very upset.

I apologized of course and she understood; she 'gets' my panic attacks.

But in all fairness I said it after I finally got home in the rain in the dark driving through the forest on highway 20 with plenty of lunatics and my night blindness and headlights glinting off the windshield *and* the rear-view mirror *and* the side-view mirrors (and did I mention the rain drops on the windshield making everything 50 times worse?).

I have *never* been more of a mess after a drive than I was that night. And I couldn't turn it over to Cameron because he doesn't drive so I had no choice but to make it home.

Sometimes I still wonder how I did (make it home).

So anyhow, I don't really know why I'm posting this other than to give others who might not experience the suicidal type depression a look into what it's like - and to let those of you who regularly read my blog know where I've been and no doubt where I'll end up again and again.

Right now I have to figure out how to survive through the first of the year. Sadly Cameron's birthday is 12/13 and I've not got any idea what I'm going to do for him.

Well, I started with one subject, morphed to another subject, and then to yet another subject.

Sorry for my rambling but that is after all the name of the blog! ;o)

I'm also a self-mutilator but I'll write about that another time; insight and whatnot.

Diane

Quetzalcoatlus

Bless you! ;o)

Do you know what a Quetzalcoatlus is?

Ask any kid who studies dinosaurs and he/she'll be able to tell you right off the bat what it is.

Here's a picture:

Adapted from image by Big Bend National Park

(U.S. National Park Service),

U.S. Department of the Interior

So, next question…

Do you know what hospital and doctor waiting rooms, and the Quetzalcoatlus dinosaur, and a Yu-Gi-Oh card have in common?

… Hangman … !!

Much of my son Cameron's life has been spent in doctor and hospital waiting rooms with me being the only constant. Sometimes Shelby was along and sometimes dad was but mom was the one who was there every single time.

We used to play Hangman while in those waiting rooms - all.the.time - and I loved it (as did Cameron). It was 'old school', on a piece of paper with a pen/pencil and drawing the stick figure as 'bad' letters were guessed.

I used it as an opportunity to help him to increase his vocabulary. I still didn't know at the time that he was on the spectrum, just that something was 'wrong', but I knew that he needed help with his words.

So that's what we did - and even as recent as 3 or 4 days ago we played (that was a very pleasant surprise for me). :o)

Anyhow, apparently Cameron is playing Hangman at work with his co-workers when there aren't any customers and no cleaning to do, etc.

Cameron's vocabulary has improved so much over the years that his opponent actually told him that it was nice to play against someone who has the same level of vocabulary that he does.

So, his co-worker writes out 14 lines for a 14 letter word.

Cameron guessed and guessed and finally got it down to one letter left to guess - the 'Q'.

He had one chance left before his 'man would be hanged'.

He studied the word with the missing first letter and then later when his coworker asked if he was ready to make his final guess Cameron replied with 'Q'.

Of course his co-worker responded with a startled "bleep", totally not expecting Cameron to get it.

But I still haven't tied in the Yu-Gi-Oh card…

Cameron had a little help with finally figuring out the word Quetzalcoatlus - help from something you'd least expect.

He remembered that one of his 4000+ (!!) Yu-Gi-Oh cards

… (he has them all memorized) has a character that is named Quetzal and that solved the puzzle for him!

So anyone who says that these kids/young adults are spending too much time with these Pokemon and Yu-Gi-Oh cards, I say do some research into it and you might be surprised as to what you find out about them.

For example did you know that the creator of the Pokemon cards is a Japanese gentlemen and that he based the first round of Pokemon on bugs? 

If I remember the story correctly he used to play as a young boy in an empty field close to his home. He has Asperger's Syndrome (now known simply as Autism) and one of his obsessions was/is bugs.

Sadly the field where he used to play and find his various bugs was buried a parking structure or some other such cement monstrosity.

The man who lost out on his bugs didn't like the idea that other kids in his area, and like areas elsewhere, would never have the chance to get to know bugs 'personally' - so he created Pokemon (which as already mentioned were very much modeled around current creatures/bugs).

Would you have ever known that there was a dinosaur called a Quetzalcoatlus? I sure didn't.

But I'll bet if anyone has a dinosaur lover that person will be able to tell you exactly what it is!

Okay, I am exhausted for some reason. Have been wanting to write for a couple days now and just haven't had the energy.

But even so I couldn't wait any longer. :o)

Have a great rest of the weekend!

Diane

Transition Fair This Afternoon!

I'm off to the transition fair at the high school.

A lot of organizations come in with information to help our graduates transition into the world.

Hopefully I can wrangle some soon-to-be graduates to join our support group!! :)

We don't have a very good website right now (don't tell Todd, the website creator and father to one of our young men, that I said that!) but the link above will take you there. :)

I'll post later about how it went.

Have a great afternoon!
Diane

---

Okay, I'm back from the Transition Fair. Here's a picture of our table at the fair:

Our table at the transitions fair with a father/daughter - members of our group

There were several other tables around us and they all had banners and several stand up signs and one table had a spinning wheel to win a little treat, and there were handouts and whatnot.

But not at our table…

Our table literally screams "BORING!!"

But in hindsight I've never had a whole lot of imagination, check out my walls, they're exactly like our table at the Transition Fair … "BORING!!"

 

LOOK at those walls! They're not even beige, they're the flat white that the handyman used to paint over a beautiful chocolate brown wall - the handyman apparently didn't understand when the landlord told him that my son and I wanted the paint to remain.

Anyhow, check out how the curtains are attached to the wall. 

Nails? 

Nope… Little stick pins, like for bulletin boards!

And that gorgeous piece of furniture under the TV - that was given to us by the family in the picture at the Transition Fair. 

Before they gave that to us we had the TV sitting on the couch you see to the right!

So, my thought process is… Maybe we aren't exactly the right people to be setting up our booth?

For those of us who aren't super-creative (or who are but aren't driven to create), I think we're the wrong people to be setting up our Autism booth! Kinda funny when you think about it…

I'm on the spectrum, my son is on the spectrum, the father and daughter in the picture above are on the spectrum, the father who is typically in charge of our emails and whatnot is on the spectrum as is his son, and then we have a family where the son is on the spectrum but I think mom and dad aren't although I'm not certain.

So if I can't figure out to decorate my walls (or even what pictures to hang - the family pictures that are on my wall are there because my daughter put them together for me!) how do I figure out how to up the interest factor for the Transition Fair, to make it at least 'less than boring'?

Luckily as I was leaving I noticed that parked right next to me was the truck of our local sign guy Whidbey Signs. I'm going to email him to invite him and his family to our group if any of them are on the spectrum, and then beg him to help me be 'less than boring'. ;)

Off to send my email and get some {boring} work done!

Have a great night!

Diane

Children Of Today With Autism Can Take Care Of Our Young Adults When We're Gone!

An interesting thought…

I wrote in another post that today's children with Autism are going to be more advanced than our young adults that have Autism.

We parents worry like heck about what's going to happen to our young adults, usually if they aren't self-reliant, when we've left this earth.

Maybe as the younger children advance through school might it not be cool if they were taught how to work with older people (such as young adults) that have Autism so that we'd know that our young adults/adults will be taken care of!

Who knows, with the advances they're making in the various treatments and whatnot, today's children with Autism could very well be tomorrow's caretakers for our own 'kids'.

Just a thought…

Have a great day!!
Diane

Young Adults With Autism And No Services

Okay, so I didn't go to bed…

Something that's been eating at me so I figure I'll post it and ask how you feel about it…

Today's children have so many options available to them regarding treatment and help for Autism and that's absolutely wonderful but it is hard, if not impossible, to see these improvements come about after my son is past the age to qualify for the help.

Today's children that have Autism are going to be stronger than today's young adults with Autism because of all the training and support.

Even DS said the other day what a bummer it is that the local high school didn't have the good program in place when he was there a few years ago as they do now.

So this blog is going to be more dedicated around young adults with Autism since they're still pretty much in the cold as far as life skills meaningful support is concerned.

Also because my own two are now young adults and so I'll have more info about young adults than I will about the younger ones.

That's why the puzzle pieces aren't primary colors per se, they're muted a bit.

Our young adults are still kids so there's still fun color there but they've moved out of the kid world and are reaching ever so mightily to have the 'things' (girlfriends, drivers license, car, job, apartment, etc.) that other young adults their age have; yet it's always just out of reach.

I'm sure you noticed the black puzzle piece in the middle of the puzzle pieces here?

That's because there's a black hole in the spectrum that seriously threatens to pull our young adults in.

More about that later…

Have a great night/morning!
Diane

Good Night Already!!

Okay, after:

• One salad
• Two microwave burritos
• Conversation in the kitchen with DS
• Two phone calls from my friend's son (he also has Autism and is 23 or 24)
• My first viewing, of what will be many, of Season 6 Episode 1 The Walking Dead …

It's time for bed!!

Good night all!!
Diane

My First Post!! (how trite is that…)

Hi!

I have Autism; I'm on the Autism Spectrum; I'm Autistic; etc.

I am not politically correct in any way and most likely the reasons for that are obvious in the sentence directly above.

I often do not know how to phrase something without being point blank about it. I hate 'walking on eggshells' and 'beating around the bush' and whatever other sayings there are, I just get to the point.

But sometimes that offends people.

Please do know that I am not attempting to offend in any way.

Both of my kids are on the spectrum as well. My DS (21; almost 22) and my DD (24 I think). My DS gets a bit upset when I use the word 'kid' because "I'm NOT a kid!".

No explanation helps…  {hand slap to the forehead}

I have an Autism website that you may have already been to www.LifeWithASD.com; actually right now it's Aspergers-and-PDD.com - I need to change it since they didn't include the term Asperger's Syndrome in the DSM-V manual, but going to that website above will get you where you need to go.

I started building that website when my son was diagnosed in 2005 at the age of 12. Unfortunately due to a nightmare that lasted almost 5 years I have not been able to keep the website updated.

I have to get my construction websites back on track and supporting us before I can go back to working my Autism website.

So instead I'm going to try to post regularly here. I'd love to be able to do it every night but that's probably something I shouldn't yet commit to. ;)

My posts will be random and as promised in the title I will ramble; I'm known for writing novella length emails rather than those two paragraph emails that so many people seem to be able to do with no trouble at all.

Sometimes when I talk I actually lose my breath at the end of a sentence and can't quite get the last word out for lack of air to talk!

I'm 52 (or 53?) years old and have had all of those years to work my life around me and learn things such as euphemisms (but don't say one that I haven't heard before or I won't know what you mean) but I never knew (as it seems to be with most parents) that I was on the Autism spectrum until well after DS was diagnosed when he was 12.

I have a problem with parentheses, I use them too often. Sorry about that!

A heads-up by the way… I am a type A personality and I absolutely cannot stand when I have typos and/or grammatical errors, etc. They've always just jumped out at me when I'm reading (and I've written to more than one web *guru* to tell him/her about mistakes on their websites).

But it would seem that I am developing Aphasia (still kinda wondering how that's going to along with the Autism!). ;)

I am finding that my typos are getting worse as is my grammar usage - and more often than not I can't think of the word I need (but I can define it) or I say the wrong word for something related.

I asked the girl at the pharmacy counter for my subscription and she cocked her head at me like my Pixie-Bob - Baby K - does.

There's an interesting story about my Baby K - but as soon as I started writing this sentence I lost the thought! ergh…

So anyhow, if you see weird things here such as words used in an odd manner or switched around, etc. that's what's happening. I don't have dyslexia, never have, but I sure have a mess of other things creeping up on me!

Gotta love age… Not!

Well, ladies often get to start their 'second life' which is all about enjoying life (whether working, volunteering, cruising, etc.) … Oh I just remembered the story I wanted to tell about Baby K.

Mention the name "Max" to me later and I'll tell you the story.

Anyhow, I can remember hearing for years upon years that when women hit about 50 years of age they'd get to start their 'second life' - free of kids and responsibilities that go along with them with nothing to do except what she wants to do (not that I don't love my kids but I would love my own place too).

But many parents/grandparents/caregivers of young adults who are on the Autism spectrum don't really have that luxury.

One thing I've noticed more and more lately when walking through the grocery store with my son helping him decide what to purchase for food on the small budget he has … Other moms doing the very same thing!

Oh I just had another memory of something I want to write about. I have so much I want to share that I'm going to have to leave myself notes here in this post so that I can come back and reference it.

This time I have to remember Patrick and the grocery store and the wine - that's a fun short story of something that happened semi-recently.

Anyhow, we finish shopping and load up the trunk to take the groceries home. Where's home? With me…

Do I love having him here? More than most people will ever know.

Do I wish I could have the experience of my parents and grandparents who got to do things like use one plate, one bowl, one glass, one set of silverware, etc. - and my grandma's kitchen was always immaculate!

So was the rest of her house but right now I'm fixating on the clean kitchen she always had - and the one that I probably won't ever have…

Whoops gotta get, DS wants to watch TWD, then it's off to clean my lovely non-grandma-type kitchen!

Have a great night! <3
Diane
PS: I'll learn how to do pretty things with my blog as I go along :)